#and there are so many songs that just make that guilty feeling worse

[purplereadingenthusiast]

YES I 100% AGREE

there are literally SO many songs about the love interest being unable to return their feelings and none about the person on the other end!!

(Speaking from experience) it’s so hard, especially if it’s someone you’re friends with, because you don’t want to make them sad but you don’t want to lead them on, you don’t want them to drift away and stop being friends with you but you don’t want them that way. And it can make you feel horrible because you care about them, but not in the way they care about you, and you know that because of this they’re hurting.

sorry for the mini-rant but I’m really passionate about this lol

We need more songs about unrequited love from the perspective of the person who's rejecting someone else's advances (i am aromantic)

[evanpetersmybf]

Be mine?

Tate Langdon x female!reader

Summary: Meeting you was his destiny. He had to make you his so he could feel alive... It was meant to be.

Genre: Smut.

Word count: 3,172

Warnings: Virgin and inexperienced reader, mentions of bullying, self-harm (just once and is nothing detailed), obsessive and stalkish behavior, swearing, cunnilingus, fingering, unprotected p in v and cumshot.

A/N: English isn't my first language and this is my first time writing smut, so sorry if it sucks or if I have grammatical mistakes or something TT. Btw, also sorry if Tate's out of character. Anyways, hope you enjoy it!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ཐི ♡ ཋྀ

Tate had another bad day. It was the usual. Bullying, failed tests, the teacher humiliating him after he couldn’t solve a simple equation on the chalkboard, his mother scolding him. Nothing seemed new, and it seemed that nothing wasn’t going to change at any point.

He needed something, a reason to live, something to make him feel alive. Because he was dead. Dead in life, which in his own opinion, was even worse than being a rotten corpse.

He headed to the music store after secretly stealing some of his mom’s money, just a few bucks; the enough amount to buy a vinyl or some CD’s. Tate was sort of a music elitist, always believing that the artists nowadays just created pure, hollow, and trashy songs. In fact, he didn’t believe those could even be considered music.

Walking around the nearly empty store, rummaging through the shelves filled with Nirvana vinyl’s, someone bumped into him.

“Oh, sorry.” You spoke, after accidentally taking too many steps back and bumping into Tate’s behinds.

He frowned, somewhat annoyed at you for disturbing his moment of peace. The blonde turned around to look at who it was, scanning your body from head to toe, taking note of your appearance. Then, his dark eyes drifted to the sign that was on top the shelf, which indicated the musical genre of the records that were on that rack. Alternative pop. His gaze went to the album you were hugging to yourself.

“Cry Baby? What type of crap is that?”

“Huh, excuse me?”

“Never mind, you won’t understand.” Tate talked in such a volatile and rude manner, already feeling superior because of his likes.

You arched an eyebrow. What was his problem? You did nothing to him and yet he was here, judging your amazing music taste.

“Well, people’s free to like whatever they want to, hmm?”

“Uh, yeah, but what’s the point of that if everything is so generic?”

“Have you ever listened to Melanie Martinez at least once?”

He shook his head no, still scowling, now fidgeting with a ring that was on one of his fingers.

“Have you listened to Nirvana?”

“Just like… Two songs?”

“Don’t tell me. Smells Like Teen Spirit?”

“Guilty.”

Tate rolled his eyes. What was going on with this generation? What happened to good music, to the greatest artists? Why was everyone just listening to trash?

After sharing your names and a few more words, debating about who was right and who wasn’t, you placed one of your hands over his right shoulder, as an attempt to stop his rant of how superior he was. And indeed, it worked. The teen stopped venting and stared at you, all confused and a bit uncomfortable. You noticed it and quickly stepped back, apologizing for touching him without permission. He told you it was okay, that you just surprised him. But deep down, that simple yet complex touch meant a lot to Tate, even if it was absolutely nothing to you.

For the first time he felt something more than sorrow.

“So… What do you think of this? I’ll make you listen to some songs by Melanie and other artists, and I’ll listen to your beloved beautiful grunge music.” You said those last words in a mocking way.

Tate huffed, clearly offended by the way you referred to his taste. Nevertheless, in the end he agreed with you.

After paying the stuff you two picked, both of you went to Tate’s place. As you walked next to him, your fingers brushed his, making his cheeks turn a light shade of red and his heart flutter. He felt dizzy, not sure about what was going on.

In his house, he took you to his room. The boy didn’t want his mother to see you, otherwise she’d be too nosy and probably scare you and push you away from him, and that was the last thing he wanted.

“Get comfy.” He mused, extending his hand as if inviting you to take a seat wherever you feel to.

“Thanks.” You sat on the floor, using one of the sides of the bed as a support for your back. He did the same and sat right next to you.

He was nervous. So damn nervous and excited. He brought a pretty chick to his place. The Tate Langdon, the outcast, the bullied, that Tate Langdon was in the same room with a girl? He couldn’t believe it.

“Ladies first.” Tate pointed the record-player with his thumb, and you obeyed, placing the CD in it. The music started playing.

“We could’ve used Spotify, y’know?”

“Nah, I don’t like it. I prefer the old school.”

‘Cry Baby’ was the first track that was listened to.

He squinted his eyes and rubbed his chin, analyzing the sounds, the melody, the harmony and of course the lyrics.

Although it wasn’t his style, you definitely were. The way you looked, talked, walked. How you stood up for your beliefs and didn’t allow him to step on you (even if you just discussed about music). It was new for him. He craved your independence. He craved you.

That was the very moment when he realized that you were the thing he was looking for all his life. You were the one who was meant to be his, he was meant to be yours. It was destiny. Tate truly believed it was some kind of divine prophecy, and he wasn’t going to let you go.

He was so immersed in his mind that he didn’t pay attention to the song anymore. He was solely focused on you, remembering how warm and kind your touch was, how sweet your voice was. ‘Oh, she’s mine’, he thought.

“So… That was the first track. Its name’s Cry Baby. Did you like it?”

Tate snapped out of it and bit his bottom lip. He didn’t listen to your question.

“I’m sorry, what did you?—”

“Did you like the song?”

“Ah, yeah yeah. It’s quite… Innovative. I’ve never heard something like that.”

You smiled and clapped your hands. “Of course! She’s such a genius. Let’s finish the album, hm?”

He just nodded, as a little smirk appeared on his face.

The days flew by, and Tate asked you out on many friendly dates. Or at least that’s what you thought because you were so oblivious at the fact that he had a fat crush on you.

With every hang out, you noticed that Tate was lonely. Like, really lonely. Maybe that’s why he was so clingy with you.

He told you about his family, about how annoying Constance was, about his siblings and about how his father left him behind. He also mentioned the bullying he suffered and almost talked about the self-harm but stopped himself.

Both of you grew closer, as his obsession.

Since you went to a different school, he would skip class and infiltrate your campus just to see you. He couldn’t stand being away from you. And if he did, his mind was full of you, thinking of you all day, unable to focus on his homework and tests. Tate didn’t care anymore if he failed subjects, as long as you were next to him, he was happy and alive.

The void he once felt, was now fulfilled with your mere presence. You could step on him, and he would thank you. In his twisted little mind, you were free to have everything of him.

He was willing to do anything to keep you by his side. The thought of losing was so terrifying that it would make him throw up.

Tate learned every single detail about you. Your mannerisms, your likes and dislikes, your dreams, and your fears. Everything. And that includes your schedule since you wake up, and since you go to sleep.

That was his definition of love. No one ever taught him about how to express it, and he ended up being the way he was with you.

One day he invited you over to his place. The Langdon's house was empty, and he was going to take advantage of it. No doubt.

“Your mom isn’t home?” You questioned as you followed him behind, going upstairs straight to his bedroom. Little did you know this wasn’t going to be another afternoon of playing board games while listening to some music.

“Nah, dunno where she went but she won’t be back any time soon.” He shrugged and let you inside of his private space,

You went to lay down on bed, feeling relief in your aching back after a long day at school. “Damn, I need some rest!”

Tate chuckled softly and sat on the edge, looking at you as you closed your eyes and tried to relax. He was focused on your steady and calm breathing, on how your breasts went up and down with every inhalation and exhalation. His eyes stared at your lips, at how kissable they looked. He felt a sudden desire, the intense urge to make you his. Feeling conflicted, he shook his head and tried to distract himself, pretending to ignore how aroused he was getting.

He wasn’t going to say it out loud, but of course he already had some wet dreams of you. He imagined you beneath him, your precious body shivering and responding to his touch, to his kisses. Your cunt wet and ready for him, just how he wanted to.

“Y/N…” Tate cooed, unable to hold back any longer.

“Yeah?” You opened one of your eyes and spotted him, sitting on the bed with his fists clenched over his thighs, while his breathing looked kinda rapid. “You ‘kay?”

“No.”

“Uh? What’s wrong?” You reincorporated and sat straight beside his warm figure. Your right hand touched his left, rubbing it up and down with your thumb.

Tate shoved you to the bed, pinning your arms above your head and holding them tight.

His breathing pattern was no longer normal. It was a heavy one.

His dark brown eyes locked with yours. Your orbs were wide, not understanding what the hell was going on. Or maybe you did but were in denial.

“Please. I want you.” He purred, seeing you with puppy eyes, the ones he knew you couldn’t resist.

“Hahah, you funny.”

He let out a frustrated whine, almost begging on his knees for you to get the hint.

“I’m not kidding. Pretty please. I need you.”

“Do you mean…?” You raised your head a few centimeters to look at his crotch in order to confirm your suspicions. Your cheeks had a cute blush as soon as you noticed Tate’s erection restrained by his jeans. It looked painful, and it actually was.

“Yes. I want to. Please, I truly need it. Please, please, please?” His voice was shaky and low, a needy desperate whisper. “Can I?”

This wasn’t what you expected for today. You saw Tate as a best friend, but you couldn’t deny he was handsome… And that he already provoked butterflies in your stomach before.

Hesitantly, you gave a shy nod with your head, giving him consent to continue. “But Tate… I’ve never done this before, I dunno what to do, I—” You trailed off, being cut off mid-sentence when Tate placed his lips over yours. The kiss was slow and tender, not rough at all. Your bottom lip was between his, as he nibbled it with extreme care to not hurt you.

After some seconds, he pulled apart and led his hand towards the side of your face, brushing some hairs away. “Don’t ya worry, princess. Leave it all to me, hm? I’ll be gentle. Unless you don’t want me to.” With that being said, he leaned into your neck, pressing his mouth on your sensitive flesh. He left sweet kisses, making you hum as you melted under him.

His lips continued to tease your skin, leaving some little bites between every kiss, trailing down to your collarbone. Tate stopped there and helped you get rid of your blouse, tossing it aside and continued his journey, this time kissing your sternum while his right hand cupped one of your breasts, kneading it gently over the fabric of your bra. He pulled down the straps and took off the piece of lingerie, setting your tits free.

The cold air hit you and your nipples perked up, looking ravishing and making him desire you even more.

He introduced one of the hardened buds into his warm mouth, sucking it greedily and making lewd wet sounds as he did so. His left rubbed the other nipple in circles, taking it with his thumb and index, pulling it and pinching it.

“Hmph… Huh…” You let out soft whimpers, slightly arching your back meanwhile he abused your breasts.

Tate stopped after some minutes, letting go of your nipple and looking at you, grabbing your chin and tilting your head to the side. He approached your ear and whispered, “You like this?”

“Yes…” You begged. Your voice was already ragged and shaky.

Instinctively, you pressed your thighs together, rubbing them as a pathetic try to feel some relief. Tate realized it and spread your legs with one of his hands. He took his digits right to your clothed pussy, eagerly rubbing the spot where your clit was.

“Someone’s already wet? Cute.” He giggled and took off his striped sweater, throwing it away. He positioned himself between your limbs and pulled down your pants, mesmerized as he saw your damp panties. Tate continued rubbing your bundle of nerves over the fabric of your underwear, still fascinated at how humid you were.

This was the moment he had been waiting for the past weeks. He wasn’t going to need to jerk off to your photos anymore, because now he would be able to jerk off to your tits in person.

Tate removed the last barrier that was stopping him from touching your womanhood directly. He pulled them down to your ankles and you helped him to get rid of it by shaking your feet.

He got closer to your cunt and placed your legs over his shoulder, spreading your folds with two of his large digits, blowing some air at the sensitive meat. Finally, he started sucking on your swollen clitoris, enjoying the feeling of your dampness against his face.

“Mmh…” He moaned, still toying with the nub. You grabbed him by the hair, not thinking about what you were doing. You just let yourself go and pulled him closer to your pussy, wanting to feel more. Your body twitched, unconsciously bucking your hips against his mouth that was currently making slurping sounds.

His attention changed and was now on your slit, teasing just the entrance with his hot tongue, while his nose rubbed against your clit. He lapped your pretty cunt, savoring your juices as if they were a delicacy.

Looking at your adorable face contorting in pleasure, he introduced his ring finger into your wet, tight hole. It was a slow and kind movement because the last thing he wanted was to hurt you. He slipped it deeper, pumping it in and out with care, increasing speed after a few seconds once he saw you comfortable. “Tell me if it hurts…”

“Mhm… It feels nice. Huh…” Your melodic whimpers and moans were just too much for him. He could listen to you for the rest of his days and never get tired of you.

Without further ado, he introduced his middle finger, now finger-fucking you with two. Tate’s thumb was also working wonders on your lil’ bundle of nerves in circular motion.

She was clenching around Tate’s large fingers, that he curled inside of her, hitting the right spot to make you squirm and feel a new and foreign sensation in your lower belly.

“Fuck it, I can’t wait anymore.”

He undid his belt, unzipped his pants and pulled down his boxers, quickly getting rid of them and letting them fall to the wooden floor.

You just stared in awe; it was the first time you saw one in real life.

Tate grabbed his hardened cock and stroked it a few times on top of you, finding amusing your silly reaction. The reddish tip was glistening with pre-cum, which he used as lube. He spat at your pussy and rubbed his slick saliva with two digits, before finally thrusting his dick.

He did it slowly, beginning with the head. Eventually, he pushed his entire length, hitting your cervix and stretching you out for the first time.

“Fuck, you’re so tight!” Even if he was taking the lead, he was a whiny mess, vocal and loud.

He continued pounding into you, his gaze never leaving your face. Tate loved how you rolled your eyes to the back of your head and how your little mouth was letting out such nasty sounds.

The room was filled with slapping and wet sounds, created by his skin slapping against yours, his balls always hitting you with every stab. Again, he placed your legs on his wide shoulders to have a better angle and pump into you deeper than before.

His big veiny hands were roaming all over your body, specifically your breasts. Within minutes, he developed an addiction to them. Probably because of his mommy issues? He grabbed them roughly, tweaking both of your nipples as he fucked you mercilessly.

Tate lolled his head as he felt your hole gripping him tight. Very tight.

He increased the pace and moaned your name, begging you to squeeze him tighter.

“Oh, please, please, please!” The blonde kept whining. He left one of his hands taking care of your nipples, while the other went back to torture your clit. He stroked it in circles, and then up and down, applying the enough amount of pressure to make you beg for more.

“Tate, I feel like I’m—”

“It’s okay, let it go, mhm?”

You couldn’t hold yourself any longer and squirted all over him, coating his lower body with your warm fluids.

“Oh, oh, oh, oh, gonna cum!” Tate pulled out from your cunt and pumped his cock with his hand finishing with a loud moan. His hot sticky white cum coated your breasts and abdomen, creating an incredible sight that he always imagined.

All spent, Tate threw himself next to you on the bed, pulling a blanket to cover both of you as he filled your pretty face in candy pecks.

“Did it hurt? First time usually does.” He looked at you, concerned for your wellbeing. “I was too rough?”

You laughed and shook your head no, caressing his messy locks with your fingers, tenderly scratching his scalp. “Don’t worry, I’m fine, really.”

Tate smiled at you and kissed you on the lips, “You’re so pretty, Y/N.”

You hugged him from behind, him being the little spoon this time. Your mind was going wild; you were still processing what happened and was about to drift to sleep when he whispered.

“Y/N…?”

“Mh, what is it, Tate?”

“I love you… Please be mine?”

[wosospacegirl]

Stuck with you - part 11

Summary: Y/n’s used to Alexia’s overprotectiveness and the pressure of her career—but Kika? The shy, socially awkward teammate who’s starting to make her feel things she didn’t expect.

Warnings: old crushes returning; Y/n's good at forgiving, and her teammates are good at apologising; plus Y/n's really not a fan of tight spaces, and she's emotionally attached to a napkin.

Word count: 6.5K

a/n: treat this kindly because I feel like I've fried my brain trying to write it *cries*

..

The drive to the airport was absolutely suffocating in silence from both Alexia and Y/n. Saved only by the song playing on the radio. The leather seats of the car felt too sticky against Y/n's back, the hot summer weather making her sweat more than usual. Maybe she shouldn't have worn a crop top.

The air conditioning wasn't cold enough, and it had a weird pine smell that mixed wrong with Alexia's shampoo and Y/n's body spray.

Alexia hadn't said a word, not after Olga had told her to leave Y/n alone and stop playing matchmaker.

Olga had probably given Alexia another earful when Y/n wasn't around, because Alexia's jaw was set in that hard line Y/n had come to recognise over the years, which meant she was either angry or feeling guilty.

Given the whole situation, probably both.

But Y/n didn't mind the quiet. She liked it. Needed it right now after everything that had happened the night before.

The kiss replayed in her mind endlessly. The way Kika's eyes had widened in surprise, her lips soft and warm for just a moment before Y/n pulled away in panic. 

The way the room had gone dead silent, all their teammates staring. Y/n had felt exposed, bare, and she was sure Kika had felt the same.

During the drive, Y/n saw messages flooding in from her teammates–Vicky, Jana, Salma, Esmee, and so many others–all saying they were sorry for how they had acted, how they had been playing around with her and Kika's feelings like it was some elaborate game.

Y/n hadn't talked to any of them after what happened last night.

She had declined Jana's call and ignored Vicky's constant texts. The girl had even sent SMS messages (that's how desperate she was to apologise). But Y/n wasn't ready to talk to them.

She was still hurt. It still felt too fresh and too raw.

She knew she would see everybody at camp too, at least all the Spanish girls, so she wouldn't be able to hide from them much longer.

Still, she needed time to think. She loved her friends and teammates, but they had orchestrated something that went way beyond harmless teasing. They had manipulated both her and Kika into that moment, and now everything was ruined.

The worst part was that Y/n had been falling for Kika for the last few months. Although their 'friendship' wasn't really something to be proud of.

First, Y/n screamed at Kika when she told Alexia about the injury, and then they made amends, but it didn't last long because Kika had told her she only called her to the book club date because she didn't want Y/n to feel lonely.

And that's how everything got worse.

Y/n pulled away from Kika, and her teammates–Alexia included–decided to play dolls with them.

Now Y/n was left wondering: Did Kika think it was all a setup? It was all part of some cruel joke orchestrated by Y/n?

She really hoped not.

Yes, the kiss they shared wasn't necessarily romantic. Y/n initiated it for the worst reasons possible: out of anger, but it didn't mean Y/n didn't want to kiss Kika at all.

Damn, it was all she had been thinking about for months.

Now, the aeroplane's air felt thick. Y/n never liked how the windows had to be closed, how everybody had to breathe the same air, how it didn't seem like enough for everybody.

She always felt trapped on planes. She didn't like places with no way out, or well, she didn't like places where the only way out was through the troposphere.

The constant hum of engines was annoying and only added to Y/n's anxiety, but still, it wasn't enough to drown out Y/n's spiralling thoughts.

There was still silence between Y/n and Alexia, but the silence still felt good. Alexia was buried in her phone and earbuds, leaving Y/n alone to think about whatever she wanted to think about.

Y/n found herself thinking about everything that had happened between her and Kika since she had first shown up at training with a bunch of pastéis de belém–that's what they were called, if Y/n wasn't mistaken.

Y/n remembered it because she had this vivid image of how Kika's lips would press together before parting while making the 'P' sound.

She had been fascinated by Kika's mouth from the very beginning, apparently. 

And then she remembered she had kissed those very same lips less than 24 hours ago, and now she wasn't going to see Kika for about a week–they were going to play against each other.

The thought made her chest tight with something between longing and dread.

She was so far gone…it was embarrassing.

When she realised she was spiralling, panic began to grow in her chest.

Every conversation, every interaction with Kika over the past three months played on repeat. Too much had happened between them, too many small moments that had felt significant, too many misunderstandings, enough that Y/n could count them on her fingers.

It felt too overwhelming, thinking about Kika, the kiss, the book club, her teammates... but then Y/n had an idea, and the uncomfortable feeling in her chest began to settle.

It was replaced by something more manageable.

Logic!

Y/n had always loved logic. Logic was never wrong. Logic was great for making things understandable, for making it all piece together, or at least showing where the missing puzzle pieces were.

It was what had helped her understand complex tactical formations when she was younger; what helped her understand that football wasn't just about kicking a ball around; it was what helped her break down opponents' weaknesses during strategic training; it was what calmed her tumultuous mind.

Maybe the whole situation wasn't as catastrophic as she had initially thought. Y/n just needed to approach it rationally, step back and view everything from a third person's perspective.

Break it down into pieces she could manage.

It was just like football. 

You would never understand a match if you looked at it as a whole; you had to see the players first, their strengths and weaknesses, before analysing how they interacted with each other. That's how you read a team's style of play and finally win a game.

She could do the same thing with her life.

When the pilot announced they would be landing in thirty minutes, Y/n pulled out a napkin and a pen and began to work.

"What are you doing?" Alexia asked, glancing over. Her earbuds were still in, but Y/n could hear Rosalía's voice through the volume.

The guy behind them coughed for what felt like the thirteenth time that flight, and the baby a few seats down began crying again. The flight attendant hurried past them.

It was a lot of noise for one flight, too much noise if Y/n wanted to create a good, practical mind map of her life.

"Don't talk to me," Y/n muttered, writing a large 'K' in the centre of the paper, for Kika. "I'm still mad at you."

She drew an arrow from the K and wrote 'book club' in a small box. That's how it had all started, how she and Kika became something.

From there, she wrote, 'feels pity for me'. The words made her cringe, but she pushed through.

Two branches sprouted from that box. 'Does she even like me as a friend?' One path led to 'no' and then to 'cry'. The other led to 'yes' and then 'maybe there's hope.'

If Kika still liked her as a friend, maybe she'd have a chance to explain, to apologise, to make it right. If she didn't... well, then Y/n would have to live with the consequences of that kiss for the rest of her life.

This was actually helping. Seeing it laid out made it feel more manageable, more like a problem that could be solved rather than a disaster that would ruin everything.

Next, she drew another arrow from the central 'K' and wrote 'Alexia' in capital letters.

"Why are you putting horns on my name?" Alexia protested, pulling out one earbud and looking down at Y/n's napkin. Y/n ignored her, continuing her map.

She drew a whole section dedicated to her teammates' scheme.

And finally, she wrote the word 'charade,' and from that, she drew a line to 'kiss' and felt her cheeks burn just writing the word.

The kiss branched into two possibilities: 1. Kika liked it, or 2. Kika didn't like it.

If Kika liked the kiss... Y/n drew a small heart next to 'potential.' Maybe she had a chance.

Maybe they could talk it out, and Y/n could ask Kika on a proper date, where nobody was watching and nobody was pulling strings as if they were puppets. Or maybe they could just sit somewhere quiet and get things straight, be friends again.

If Kika didn't like the kiss, the branches got more complicated.

One branch led to 'Violated consent', which led to 'massive and extreme apology needed.'. The other one led to 'Feels manipulated.'

Both branches converged at 'probably hates me now,' which had an arrow pointing at 'friendship over' and then 'avoid Kika forever + leave Spain + try to find another club.'

Y/n stared at her napkin map, her chest tight. The worst–case scenarios looked pretty catastrophic when laid out like that. Maybe the situation was as bad as she thought it was.

"I feel sorry for you," Alexia said, studying Y/n's paper with genuine concern. "I think you might need actual psychological help."

"This is psychological help," Y/n defended, though she could hear how pathetic it sounded. "My paper helps me think."

Alexia looked at her like she was looking at a confused puppy. "You should talk about Kika with your friends, not draw... whatever this is."

"You shouldn't even say anything! It's all your fault," Y/n said, her pen hovering over the napkin. "You and the girls kept putting me and Kika in those awkward situations until I cracked! Why did you have to give me that stupid charade anyway?!"

"I wrote 'girlfriend' because I thought you would hold Kika's hand or something cute like that!" Alexia threw her hands up in exasperation. "I didn't think you would actually kiss her! In front of everyone!"

"You orchestrated the whole thing," Y/n shot back. "Don't pretend this wasn't exactly what you wanted."

They sat in tense silence for a few minutes, and Y/n felt the plane beginning its descent more rapidly now. She clutched the armrest between her and Alexia, trying to see if it would calm her down.

It didn't.

Then the seatbelt sign was on, and Y/n buckled herself in, feeling even more trapped than before.

Y/n didn't understand why they had to take a flight to Madrid; they could very well use a car or something, it would be way less scary... At least the crying baby had finally quieted, but now the guy behind them was snoring extremely loudly.

Y/n would need help figuring this out, actual help, not weird arrangements made by her teammates.

She could start by asking Alexia for information about what happened after. She had, after all, practically sprinted from Jana's apartment the moment her and Kika's lips separated. She felt too confused, too panicked and embarrassed to look at anyone, especially Kika.

"Was she upset?" Y/n finally asked, her voice smaller than she intended.

"Who?"

"Who do you think, Alexia? Kika!" Y/n was going to commit murder, and the Spanish national team would be without its captain.

"I don't know." Alexia shrugged, which was absolutely not helpful. "She looked... confused."

"Confused how?"

"Just confused! As confused as someone would look if someone had kissed them out of nowhere, nena!"

"Oh god, you are absolutely useless."

"Ay, I much preferred when you weren't talking to me." Alexia rolled her eyes. "You give me a headache."

Y/n decided not to talk with Alexia until they were safe on land again.

She needed to find the strength not to call Alexia every single bad name she could think of.

When they landed, they quickly went to get their baggage.

The car that was going to pick them up from the airport wasn't there yet, so they moved through the crowd of people to a small Starbucks on the left side of the airport.

Alexia and Y/n had, annoyingly, the same coffee order: black, no sugar. They drank their coffee and shared their dinner in silence.

Y/n decided to try again.

"Did she seem angry?" Y/n asked as she took a bite of her doughnut before giving it to Alexia, who also took a bite. "Or like... disgusted? Hurt? Something like that?"

Alexia took a drink of her coffee before answering.

"She asked where you went," Alexia said, "after you left. She seemed... worried, maybe? She didn't look mad or anything, just a bit concerned."

Y/n's heart did something weird in her chest. "So... she asked about me? And not in a 'I don't want her to come back' way?"

"Sí. She kept looking at the door like she expected you to come back." Alexia said. "But I told her you probably needed some time alone. She wanted to follow you, but Jana told her not to."

Y/n quickly looked through her tote bag and found her napkin. She straightened it before taking her pen and adding a new branch to her map: 'Kika asked about me' with an arrow pointing to 'cares???'

The napkin looked too small for this whole situation now.

"I'm gonna throw this napkin away," Alexia warned.

Y/n held it close to her chest. "Try me."

..

La Ciudad del Fútbol smelled like grass and carnations, the pink flowers Y/n loved so much. Y/n was very accustomed to Ciudad; it had been Y/n's second home since she was sixteen.

When the car was parked, Alexia and Y/n stepped out. The girl from the marketing team was already filming them.

Y/n didn't like being filmed or photographed like that, without warning, but she always tried her best not to seem so grumpy. She knew the fans appreciated content on the players, so she smiled.

Alexia, of course, stole the scene without even wanting to. Her presence always brought attention to her, even though Alexia herself also didn't like that attention so much.

Y/n hugged a few Spanish girls who were playing abroad, like Mariona and Laia, who both felt like Y/n's older sisters when they used to play for Barcelona a few seasons ago.

And then came Leila.

Y/n knew she was truly in love with Kika when she saw Leila Ouahabi walking toward her and didn't feel like all the air in the world had suddenly gone missing.

(Past)

After breaking up with her ex, Laura, some years ago, Y/n had desperately searched for distractions. 

She had obviously tried football, but that didn't work since it was already her life. 

She tried making music but discovered she wasn't poetic at all–and when she drew blood from her fingertips trying to learn guitar, she gave up entirely.

Hobbies weren't really things that helped Y/n forget her problems anyway. She just turned them into obsessions, which made everything worse.

So she tried a different method, one Jana had taught her, and it had actually worked.

"Stop trying to fill your head with things," Jana had said. "Try filling it with girls instead. Pretty girls."

Or in Leila's case, pretty women, since she was in her late twenties at the time (a lot of years older than Y/n).

Y/n did exactly that. After breaking up with Laura, she was actively trying to pick someone, anyone, to develop a crush on. Yes, pick, because Y/n didn't naturally fall for people easily. Well, Kika wasn't included in that assessment since Y/n was older now, but back then, feelings didn't come naturally to her.

She decided she should look for a Spanish girl, but not one from Barça, that would get messy. Someone from the national team, though, would be perfect.

They wouldn't see each other often, so Y/n could focus on school and football, but they would still have to see each other at camp. The girl wouldn't be able to hide from Y/n there.

Maybe Alexia and Y/n had the same problem with ambushing people. 

Back then, Y/n had struggled to actually pick someone. She was one of the only teenagers, hell, the only teenager at camp. She should have been in the under-17s, but here she was.

All the other girls were older, and they obviously wouldn't date her. 

Y/n was so desperate to find someone to crush on and forget about Laura that she had even considered going after a girl from Real Madrid who was only two years older.

 But her dignity was stronger than her desperation, and also her fear of Alexia literally kicking her off the team if she found out.

So Y/n gave up on that idea.

She tried doing other things instead. At La Ciudad del Fútbol, they had running tracks, and Y/n figured that since she was a footballer who played almost 90 minutes (Romeu still didn't let her play full games), she could handle some sprinting.

The truth was, she couldn't.

But there was someone who could.

Leila Ouahabi.

It was an early morning, and Y/n had just finished her first attempted run. She was sweating, smelled terrible, and was overall not pleasant to be around.

Laura had just posted a picture with the girl she had cheated on Y/n with, so she wasn't having a great day, and it was only 7 AM.

"Hey, kid!" Leila called, waving and jogging in her direction.

Leila was 29; Y/n was 16 at the time. Y/n knew it wasn't possible, by law and so many other factors, that they would ever date.

But Y/n became obsessed with that woman the moment she saw her.

Leila hadn't been at Y/n's last camp due to injury, so this was the first time they would really talk, beyond saying hi when they had first arrived.

"You're Alexia's, right?" Everyone used to call her 'Alexia's' back then. 

Alexia was like a protective vulture when Y/n was younger; she never took her eyes off her, not even after camp. She treated Y/n like a kid, which, at the time, she was.

"Y-yes," Y/n stammered. Fuck, she stuttered. 

She just couldn't help it. Leila was pretty. Very pretty. 

If Y/n hadn't had her first gay panic watching She-Ra years ago, she definitely would have had one right then and there.

"Hi! We didn't get to talk much yesterday," Leila stepped closer, a warm smile on her face. "I play in England, Manchester City."

"That's the blue one or the red one?" Y/n asked, immediately realising it was a stupid question when Leila laughed at her.

"The blue one, kid."

That camp, Leila had taken Y/n under her wing, calling her the little sister she never had. 

She even said it was funny how much Y/n reminded her of Alexia. They didn't come from the same family, of course, but they had the same mannerisms, the same competitive spirit.

It was easy to say Y/n was smitten right away. She felt like a puppy whenever Leila gave her attention, and by attention, she meant Leila passing her the water bottle during training without even looking at her.

She tried to be close to Leila, but not too close. Not to the point where it was weird.

When the team was having lunch, Y/n would sit at the same table, just a few chairs down. If the manager asked the younger ones to pair with older players during drills, Y/n would run from Alexia and quietly plant herself next to Leila, waiting to be chosen.

It was pathetic. And ridiculous. But also a little sweet.

Alexia noticed what was happening. At first, she wasn't sure what to make of it. She thought about telling Leila, but she knew Y/n would be crushed if she did. So instead, Alexia tried to talk to her. Casually.

She had been on the national team from a young age, too. She knew what it was like to have a crush on someone older. Hence her ex, Jenni Hermoso. But Jenni had only been four years older, and legal. Y/n definitely wasn't.

Alexia wasn't nervous about anything happening. Leila was a normal person who didn't feel attracted to teenagers. Plus, she had a girlfriend.

Now, Y/n was lying on her bed, trying to read a book Alexia had assigned for school. Alexia sat on the edge of the mattress, going over how to approach the topic. She decided honesty, directness, and an 'inviting tone' were best, or at least, that's what the parenting forum had said.

"I have a crush," Alexia said completely out of the blue.

Y/n immediately looked up from her book, as if she had been waiting for any excuse to stop reading.

"I would hope so," Y/n said. "You have been dating Olga for like two years."

Alexia ignored what Y/n said and continued.

"You used to have a girlfriend," Alexia replied, trying to build the connection the forum insisted was essential. A bridge to show that teenagers weren't so different from adults.

It didn't work. Y/n's face fell. "Wow. Thanks for the reminder."

Alexia scrambled.

"Sorry. I didn't mean it like that! I just mean... I have a girlfriend, you had a girlfriend, we all like people at some point in our lives!"

Y/n blinked. "Alexia, what are you trying to say?"

Alexia chewed the inside of her cheek. What was she trying to say? Honestly, she would much rather let Olga have this conversation.

"I'm saying that... having a crush on someone is completely normal," she said, trying to sound eloquent. "It's healthy, even."

The forum had said that liking someone showed that teenagers were developing complex relationship pathways in the brain. So technically, this was a good sign, neurologically speaking.

Y/n glanced around as if checking if Alexia was really talking to her and not anyone else. "Okay….good to know."

Silence again.

"But," Alexia added carefully, "crushes are only good if they're appropriate."

She knew she had hit something when Y/n's eyes widened and her cheeks flushed. 

"Well, yeah. I agree," Y/n said quickly, grabbing her book again. "I need to read this whole chapter before dinner, so–"

"I know you like Leila," Alexia said gently, watching Y/n let her forehead fall onto the open pages.

"Oh my god. Not this conversation," Y/n mumbled. She peeked out from behind the book. "Please?"

"It's an important conversation!" Alexia insisted.

Y/n shook her head. "No, I don't think it is."

"She's older than you," Alexia said. "Older than me."

Y/n made a face. "Ale, don't make it weird."

"I'm just stating facts. I'm glad you're over Laura, but... you're sixteen. You're a girl. And she's a woman."

"I get it," Y/n said, sighing. "It's just a stupid crush."

Alexia tilted her head. "Then why not have a crush on someone else?"

"Have you seen your players, capitana?" Y/n shot back, in that petulant teenager tone Alexia hated. "They're all older than eighteen. The youngest one is Teresa, and she's from Real—"

"Don't say the name of that club in front of me," Alexia said, putting her face in her hands.

Y/n rolled her eyes. "See? I don't have many options."

"What about someone from Barcelona, then?"

"Nah," Y/n said. "Things would get blurry."

"But it's only a crush, right? A small crush wouldn't make things blurry."

Y/n just shrugged, not really sure what Alexia wanted from her.

"What about Jana?"

Jana was in the Barça B team at the time, but she and Y/n were already good friends. Alexia had that hopeful light in her eye (the one that said she was really trying to be this responsible guardian). So Y/n told the truth.

"We kissed once," she confessed. "After Laura broke up with me. It didn't feel right, though, the kiss."

Alexia was surprised. Very surprised. But she kept her face neutral; the forum had warned against showing too much emotion. Apparently, teenagers didn't like that. The forum didn't explain why.

"Oh," Alexia said carefully, very slowly. "So you two kissed."

Alexia was most definitely not waiting for that.

Y/n nodded, a little impatient. "That's what I just told you."

"And you still chose Leila?"

"Yes," Y/n said. "She's pretty. She's talented. And it won't go anywhere anyway, so you don't need to worry about it."

Alexia looked at her for a moment.

"I would worry about you anyway."

..

(present) 

The second day of camp was always for medical evaluations, fitness tests, heart monitoring, and injury assessments. 

Usually, Y/n loved these days; she liked how clinical they were. She liked to measure her body's capabilities; to know what her extremes were…but today everything felt off.

She was running on the treadmill between Alexia and Leila Ouahabi, and the positioning felt symbolic somehow. Past and present, the crush that had never been really real and Alexia, who reminded her of the whole situation with Kika.

It was Y/n's first time at camp since she met Kika, the first time Y/n saw Leila in months.

Three years ago, she would have been hyperaware of every breath Leila took, every word she spoke. Now, Y/n barely registered her presence.

The contrast was startling. 

What she had felt for Leila had been safe, a one-sided infatuation with someone who would never see her as anything but Alexia's little protégé. It had been more about the fantasy than the person.

With Kika, everything was different. Kika saw her as Y/n, not as a prodigy or a project, just as herself. 

Y/n knew that because Kika never went out of her way to talk about Alexia, she never made Y/n feel like she was Alexia's shadow.

And that's what made this so terrifying.

With Leila, rejection would have stung but not surprised her. With Kika, Y/n had started to believe something might actually be possible, if both of them didn't make it all so very hard and awkward when it could be easy and simple.

Alexia and Leila were discussing the upcoming matches, their conversation washing over Y/n as she focused on her breathing and the steady rhythm of her feet on the treadmill belt. 

Her sad girl playlist was doing its job, adding just enough melancholy to her workout so she could feel like she was in an MTV video clip.

When the doctor cleared her from the fitness tests, Y/n waved goodbye to Alexia and Leila and headed toward the dormitories.

Since turning eighteen, she had had the option to room with someone other than Alexia, a freedom that had felt fantastic at the time. She and Jana had been roommates at every camp for the past years, and they had developed a comfortable routine.

But right now, Y/n absolutely did not want to see any of her teammates. She wanted to shower, maybe cry a little, and figure out how to survive the next two weeks without making everything worse.

When she opened the door to her assigned room, Y/n was ambushed.

Not only was Jana there, but Vicky, Salma, and Ona were crowded into the small space, all wearing identical expressions of guilt. 

The room smelled like too many different body sprays and the lingering scent of the coconut protein bars Salma always carried with her after training.

Y/n immediately tried to back out and close the door. Maybe she could shower in Alexia's room, or find an empty bathroom somewhere.

But Ona was faster, catching the door and gently but firmly guiding Y/n inside.

"No, please stay," Salma said, her voice soft but insistent. "We need to talk to you."

"We're so, so, so sorry," Jana said as Ona closed the door behind them, trapping Y/n in the room. Her dark eyes were wide with remorse. "What we did with you and Kika wasn't right, and we know it."

Y/n looked back at the door, then at the girls again. She didn't like close spaces.

"We acted like stupid teenagers," Ona added. "We didn't think about how it would affect you and Kika. You both deserved better than... whatever that was."

"We shouldn't have hidden the chairs at the restaurant," Vicky said, her voice small. "That was manipulative and… kind of bad."

"Or convinced Carla to always film you two together for media day," Jana said. "We made it into this whole production when it should have been private."

"We turned your feelings into entertainment," Salma said quietly. "That was cruel."

The peace and quiet that Y/n had desperately craved was shattered as the girls began talking over each other.

"Esmee wanted to apologise too," Jana said, pulling out her phone, "but she's in training. She made me promise to tell you she feels terrible and to video chat with you."

"And Frido," Vicky added, showing her own phone with a FaceTime call already connected. "She's been worried about you since last night."

Suddenly, Y/n was staring at Frido's concerned face on the small screen, and she could hear Esmee's voice in the background of Jana's phone.

"Sweetheart," Frido said, her voice filled with guilt. "I'm so sorry. We thought we were helping, but we were just being selfish. We wanted to see you happy, but we went about it all wrong."

"We should have let you and Kika figure things out naturally," Esmee's voice added from the other phone. "Instead, we turned it into this whole thing."

"Do you forgive us?" Vicky asked, now holding both phones up. Y/n felt like she was on that Big Brother TV show.

Ona launched into another explanation about how she should have known better, given her own relationship with Lucy, and how privacy was important, and–

"SHUT UP!!" Y/n finally exploded, the words coming out of her with enough force to make all four girls go silent. 

"Can you please be quiet! Can you please give me time to think? To shower! To exist without everyone having opinions about my life!"

The silence that followed was heavy. Y/n could hear her own breathing, it was harsh and fast, and she could hear the distant sound of other players walking past in the hallway outside. She just hoped they didn't hear her tantrum. 

"I know you guys are sorry," she said finally, her voice shaking, but just slightly.

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me. But you did. You took something that was private and personal and turned it into a show of some sort. And now..."

She trailed off, not sure how to explain that they had potentially helped Y/n ruin whatever she had going on with Kika.

"Now Kika probably thinks I'm part of some prank," she finished quietly. "She probably thinks I kissed her out of despair, which I did...But I didn't mean to."

Jana's face crumpled. "Baby, I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sure if you tell Kika everything, she'll understand."

"Will she?" Y/n asked, and she hated how small her voice sounded. "Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like I only kissed Kika to shut you guys up."

"We just wanted to help, but well…" Ona said gently. "We just... gave you a push. Maybe too big of a push."

"You've been gone for Kika since the day she showed up with those pastries," Vicky added. "We just thought... if we created opportunities..."

"...you'd figure it out," Salma finished. "But we should have let you do it at your own pace."

Y/n stared at her friends, these people who knew her better than almost anyone, who had watched her struggle with her feelings and had genuinely thought they were helping.

The anger was still there, but it was complicated now. It was mixed with understanding and exhaustion, too.

Y/n sank onto one of the beds, forgetting for a moment that she was mad at the girls. "I have to talk to Kika… I hate this feeling that I hurt her or that I crossed a line with her."

The room fell quiet again, it was less confrontational, somehow.

"For what it's worth," Ona said quietly, "She didn't look mad after you kissed her, she just looked very surprised."

Y/n glanced up at her. 

"Yeah, Alexia told me that," Y/n said. "But Kika is too nice of a person, I don't think she would look mad even if she was."

"I feel like Kika is a genuine person, though", Jana said. "Whatever we did or didn't do, it doesn't seem like she felt hurt by the kiss. I'm not saying you guys shouldn't talk about that, but I am saying that I don't think you should be thinking about the kiss as something that ruined whatever was happening between you two."

Y/n pulled out her crumpled napkin mind map, staring at the branches and arrows that had seemed so logical on the plane.

Now it seemed like not everything could be solved with logic alone.

"Okay," she said finally. "I forgive you. All of you. But next time you want to help with my love life, maybe just... don't."

The relief in the room was almost palpable, and Y/n found herself smiling despite everything. These were her friends, her teammates, her chosen family. They had screwed up, but they had also apologized, and Y/n knew they meant every word.

Now she just had to figure out how to talk to Kika without dying of embarrassment first.

She had one week to figure out what she wanted to say. One week to decide if she was brave enough to tell Kika the truth about her feelings.

One week to figure out if logic and heart could coexist.

..

Y/n was sleeping in her bed, well, she was trying to. She had done everything in her power to fall asleep, but her mind would not turn off.

She had tried to just close her eyes and pretend to be asleep. That didn't work. She tried to turn around, but her arm went numb; she tried her other side, and her left arm also went numb.

She sat on the bed and looked to her side. Jana was sleeping deeply. Y/n carefully got up from her bed and made her way to the window. It was open, and the wind coming through was making the curtain swing back and forth.

Jana had argued with her just before they went to sleep about whether they should leave the window open or not. Y/n had rolled her eyes and said that the room needed some fresh air, that they should leave it open.

Jana disagreed. They always had the same fight every time they shared a room. Jana liked closed windows and locked doors. She liked enclosure; it made her feel safe.

Enclosure made Y/n feel trapped, caged in. She liked it when the doors were unlocked and when the windows were open wide.

She had told her last therapist about this. About this fear of closed spaces, the fear of being confined, how it was hard for her to fly on planes, to take elevators.

She didn't mind it so much if she got locked in a familiar space; she knew someone would come and get her if needed, but tonight, the dormitory felt too tight, felt too inhospitable, maybe that's why she couldn't fall asleep.

Y/n thought about taking sleeping pills. Her therapist had given her a prescription, and it wasn't prohibited by the doping committee. But she chose not to take them; instead, she quietly walked out of the room, going to the kitchen.

The staff had all gone to bed, but Y/n knew where they hid biscuits, the cook had told her when she was sixteen, after a bad day of training, seeing how upset she was. After a few years, they were still there.

Y/n sat on the floor behind the sink while she munched on the buttery snacks. There were crumbs all over her pyjamas; she didn't care about those, but she did care about those that ended up on the floor. She was going to have to clean the floor.

"You always do this."

Y/n turned around, guilty, holding the package of biscuits as she looked at Jana in the kitchen doorway. She was wearing a ridiculously big pair of pyjamas without any socks on.

Y/n would have told her that she was going to catch a cold if Y/n still believed that touching the cold floor could actually give someone a cold.

"Do what?" Y/n asked, continuing to eat her biscuits as Jana cleaned the spot next to her from crumbles before sitting down.

"Stress eating," Jana said as she took one biscuit from the package and began eating it herself.

"I don't," Y/n mumbled.

"You do," Jana said. "Ever since we were teens."

"And you always do this."

"Do what?" Jana asked, confused, mid-chew.

"Eat the food that I'm stress eating."

Jana rolled her eyes. "I commiserate with you."

"I don't know what that word means."

"It means to share in the woes of another," Jana said, lifting her finger as if explaining a genius idea.

"Do I have woes?" Y/n asked.

"Yes," Jana said. "Very loud ones."

"Hmm," Y/n hummed. "I thought I was being quiet enough."

"Not with the way you're chewing those biscuits."

They sat in silence for a moment, crumbs gathering around them with each bite they took.

Y/n nudged Jana's foot "Thanks for... being here."

"Where else would I be?" Jana leaned her shoulder gently against Y/n's.

Y/n looked down and realised they had eaten the whole package.

"Do you plan to text her?" Jana asked. "Or wait until you see her on the pitch?"

"I plan to hide in this kitchen until a miracle happens," Y/n said. "Maybe I won't be so confused anymore."

"That's the miracle you're wishing for? Not being confused?"

"No..." Y/n paused. "The miracle I wish for... is for me and Kika to kiss again."

..

a/n: I'm very tired, so im sorry for any typos. I could proofread it more, but I just wanted to post it.

I hope u guys liked it! Let me know your favourite part :P

Tag list: @footy-lover264 , @fortifyde, @naomigirmadefender , @neutraiise , @milkveed, @browercc , @ace-of-baked , @ikzzzya , @sky-the-trans-guy00 , @knight-16, @wosohk04, @evaissleepy13, @papimapileon , @unpoppablebubbles @whiskeredshrimp-blog @goodloe-e @liloandstitchstan @s0ciety-cxv @dfwspky @karmajn @awosofavs

[burdenandacrop]

˗ˏˋ ❝ fickle flame. ❞ ˎˊ˗

submission from 🎂 ! loosely based on the song 'never there' by CAKE ! i love this band so much so the fact i'm writing my second fic based on one of their songs ... consider my autistic brain pleased.

summary : you're busy to say the least, and with that fact; comes along schlatt who is aching for even a minute of your time. scrapping for pieces of you, saying things he probably shouldn't, and yearning incredulously without shame.

⋮ ⌗ ┆established relationship, masturbation, fem reader, he is just really pitiful in this one. like extremely.

the night only seemed to grow colder, not in the sense of temperature though. just with how melancholy was filling into schlatt's mind by the minute, laying on his bed and struck with the annoying sensation that kept coming over him. he missed you terribly, but every single day it was 'i have a meeting', 'overtime', or 'i have an event i have to go to.' never an instance where you could crawl into his arms, something that wished so desperately for. he knows you say you love him, that you'd take the time to show him too. it just felt like a lie to him, he could only deal with so many short calls. dry text messages laced with boredom, as he analyzed every little word that you wrote. wondering, is this where it was going wrong? was he the problem? could he just be incredibly clingy and childish about this matter? was he obsessive? no common sense seemed to hit him though.

it was an absolute bore to work every day and when you were off, having to sport yourself for these extravagant events and doll yourself up to please the company and the guests. hell, you were at one right now. your fingers ready to press so hard into the champagne glass that it shattered. not worth it to make a scene though, just have to stand awkwardly in your dress as the overworked violinist played. they really got to pay that guy more. you sigh and look up to the ceiling, wondering if there was any sort of release from this hell. then suddenly, you feel a vibration from your purse. looking around to see if your boss was anywhere to be found before you just pull out your phone, thankfully he wasn't. you scour through your purse and pull out your phone. seeing a notifications from schlatt.

schlatt ♥︎ : Are you still there?

you sighed as you read it, your thumbs hovering over the keyboard as you pondered on what to say. part of the experience of being in a such corporate position, meant you practically had no time to yourself. no time to even tend to a relationship, which did make you feel guilty at times. part of you even wanted to call off the relationship due to the clashing schedules, but you knew you could never do that to him. he had been getting progressively worse with his clingy nature, but in a sense, it was warranted.

you : yeah, stuck here til midnight.

you could see how he immediately read it, the little bubbles going across his incoming text message. you had a worrying feeling that your text was only going to upset him further, but you had to tell him. his bubbles kept going away and then coming back, an endless cycle of clearing out his texts and trying again. eventually after a minute, he finally texted back.

schlatt ♥︎ : Come over after?

schlatt ♥︎ : Please?

you sighed at his texts, knowing damn well you didn't feel like making the drive to his house so late. you just didn't want to say it in such a mean manner, you knew you'd be seen as a bitch anyway you put it. there's still a sense in trying.

you : it's like a 30 min drive baby.

he stared at the text and felt his body become so much heavier, falling against the covers once again. it was this same conversation, over and over. his insistence on getting you to get closer, but alas; it seemed to always fail. no matter how hard he tried to explain how badly he wanted you. how he would lay countless nights staring up at his ceiling wishing the warmness on his chest from his cats was you. he felt like such a big baby, on how terribly he was attached to the slight bit of your attention. like a dog looking in from the sliding glass doors begging it's owners to let it in as he watched the owner laugh and enjoy everything. he was so happy that you were successful, how you could go these luxurious events where money wasn't an issue, but he had a deep sense of want. just wishing he could just keep you to himself.

you : [ image attached ]

he felt his chest get hotter as he eyed the photo, he hated how beautiful you looked in it. how your sequin dress shined from the lights, how utterly delicious you looked in the warm dull light. he couldn't stop his eyes from lingering on how low the neckline went down on your dress. everyone got to see you like that. except him. just the sheer thought of how everyone could just gawk at your body, see in person just how delightful your face was. he almost wanted to reach into the screen, just so he could feel your soft skin. it just wasn't fair.

schlatt ♥︎ : Beautiful.

he knew if he said anymore, that wouldn't be appropriate to be reading in such a setting. rest assured, if he could; he'd be writing novels on how he wanted to bask in your presence and how terribly he ached to do so. you softly grinned at his text message, it was short but sweet. you could tell he was hiding something of a sort, but you honestly didn't have the time to indulge into it. instead, just sending another picture of yourself. one with a higher angle, showing off a better look of the dress with a wide smile painted on your face. maybe that would ease some of his sorrows.

he let out an audible groan when he saw the picture, clicking on it to get a clearer view. zooming into your face, shaking his head as he took in just how gorgeous you looked. it was so unfair, so cruel. chewing on his bottom lip in frustration before zooming down to the dress, god your curves in it. he could even see the little crease between your stomach and your thighs. unbashfully, one of his favorite parts of your body. as he continued to look at every detail of the picture, he could feel his sweats getting progressively tighter. closing his eyes and sighing as he realized, great. that's exactly what he needed on a night like this. looking down to his waistband and pulling up the edge of his sweats to look at how quickly he got excited. what was it about you?

schlatt ♥︎ : I don't have anything appropriate to say.

you softly giggled as you read the message, shaking your head and pondering on what your next course of action should be. your thumbs clicking on the keyboard to type away another message, biting down on your tongue with the excitement growing in your stomach. right before you could hit send, you heard the gruff voice of your boss speak, "[y/n], our guests." he sighed out. making you immediately shut off your phone and stuff it back into your purse with a fabricated smile. relieved when your boss just nodded and went back to talking with other colleagues.

he saw how you left him on read, only making him yearn for you more. sighing as he looked back to the tent you created in his sweats, guess there was only one thing he could do. he looked back to the text wall between the two of you, looking at the picture of you once again. groaning as he clicked on it again, his gaze transfixed on how your eyes looked. awfully cruel to send a picture of you when your eyes were obviously bedroom eyes, maybe just to tease him. it had to be that. his eyes trailing back down to the deep v neck of your dress, begging to see what it looked like underneath. wondering if you were wearing a matching set, what color was it, was it laced? he knew his internal monologue was making him sound like a loser, but he needed it. he slowly moved his hand under his waistband as he kept his eyes on the photo, whimpering softly as he grasped his hands around his shaft.

his breathing hitching as he kept his eyes on how your curves looked, his hand going up and down as he imagined it being yours instead. thinking back to the past nights where you would ride him until he felt like passing out, his eyes fluttering open as he tried to keep his eyes focused on the photo. he could feel every wave of heat traveling up and down his stomach, his head flailing back as he kept his pacing. god he wished you could just come over tonight. instead of being at that stupid event. looking so gorgeous and showing off to everyone except him. a thought rose in his head, he was already in the process of losing his mind so why not add a little bit more to the fire. he began typing with his right hand, which wasn't helping with his focus.

schlatt ♥︎ : Youre nvere there

schlatt ♥︎ : Rhe things Id do if you were here

schlatt ♥︎ : Fuck just plehase comeb over

schlatt ♥︎ : I will literally pay for uour uber right now

as you were walking to the bar, smiling at your colleagues as you passed them. you kept feeling the buzzing in your purse, the sinking feeling hitting your chest as you knew deep down it was him. you chose to ignore them for now, in hopes that your boss would mingle somewhere not visible to you. you groaned and made your way to the bar finally, tipping your head as you grabbed another glass of champagne. smiling at the bartender before turning around and taking a sharp sip of it. you needed this desperately right now, you obviously didn't want to be plastered but you needed a little something to take the edge off.

schlatt ♥︎ : Send your address i am prdering the iber right now

schlatt ♥︎ : Its onnthe way .please

the insistent buzzing in your purse was racking against your brain more and more. you sighed before looking around to see if your boss was anywhere to be seen, sadly he was right in the corner. you groan and stomp your way over to the bathroom, trying to not look pissed as you walked. you looked left and right to find the bathroom doors, growing more irritated as the crowd of people seemed to thicken. a few colleagues waving at you, causing you to lose your timing and make small talk. biting the bullet and smiling as you approached them to talk, but you had to make it short. you absolutely needed to.

schlatt ♥︎ : Its tenminutes away baby ppease answer

schlatt ♥︎ : Im tired of waitijg fornyou i need you

schlatt ♥︎ : Im fuckijg aching overbhere

you nodded and played along with your colleagues opening chat, twirling around your glass of champagne with a smile. you tried your best to keep your poker face as you could keep feeling the buzzes in your purse. the worry settling into your system further, what the hell could be happening? you knew you should've just set it on silent and called it a night. you smoothly pull yourself out of the conversation and wave goodbye to the group, dipping into the dim lit hallway aching to find the damn bathroom. it had to be here somewhere, then thankfully you could see it at the end of the hall. the doors practically beckoning you. you basically sprint to the bathroom and check to see if anyone was around to see you. thankfully not. you pull yourself into the bathroom and let out a much needed sigh. finally being able to pull out your phone from your purse and your screen showing nine unread messages. all of which were from schlatt. your eyes widen as you read all of them, seeing the mention of an uber. and right as you were about to type back, try to protest in any way.

schlatt ♥︎ : It's there waiting

fuck. you tapped your heels against the floor, leaning against the wall to think of whatever you could do. you couldn't just tell him to cancel it. then again, wasn't that the right answer? you couldn't just leave this event. or could you? maybe this is what you needed, some adrenaline filled experience aside from your boring busy pallet. you sigh and look back to the screen, wondering on what the hell you were supposed to do.

you : ok im walking out now

schlatt ♥︎ : God I love you

you sigh with a smile as you stuff away your phone back into your purse, walking out of the bathroom and eyeing the exit doors. shaking your head as you looked back to the crowd, thinking to yourself if this was a smart decision.

oh, who gives a shit.

author's note : TEEHEE. i loved this request so bad. i apologize if you didn't want it to be lemon-y, i will make up for that with the next CAKE fic you requested anon <3 i just hope you enjoyed :> 🎂

[lilydaisylily]

When The Music Fades (Part 3)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Finale

●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●

The set was quiet as the crew adjusted the lights for the final take of the day.

You sat on the bench of the outdoor scene, dressed in a soft cream coat and scarf. Autumn leaves fluttered around you, some caught in your hair. It was a romantic scene—your character and Minjae’s finally confessing to each other after episodes of silent longing.

Minjae walked over, script in hand, his tall figure silhouetted by the warm backlight.

“Need help running lines?” he asked, eyes twinkling.

You smiled. “You just want to tease me over my dramatic monologue again.”

“Guilty,” he chuckled, sitting beside you. “But seriously, you okay? You looked... distracted earlier.”

You hesitated. “Just tired. And maybe I was thinking too much.”

He nudged your shoulder gently. “You think beautifully. That’s what makes your acting so real.”

That made you look at him. Like, really really looked. And it makes him squirmed a little bit.

Minjae wasn’t like Jihoon. He didn’t hide behind silence. He didn’t keep his words caged. When he complimented you, it wasn’t awkward or buried between sarcasm.

He just said it. Genuinely.

The director called in for quiet before the cameras rolled.

Minjae slipped into his character instantly, but there was something sparks in the way he looked at you—not just his acting aura alone.

“Do you know how many nights I stayed up thinking about you?”

Minjae’s voice was soft, vulnerable. “And every time I pictured this moment, I still couldn’t imagine you saying yes to me.”

Your line is next.

But the way he said it—the way he looked at you—made your voice catch in your throat.

He noticed.

Minjae reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, unscripted, but natural. Real.

The director didn’t call cut.

Neither of you broke eye contact.

“You always imagined me saying no?” you whispered, going off-script too.

Minjae’s eyes softened. “I imagined you still waiting for someone else.”

Something in your chest pulled tight.

When the scene ended, the crew broke into quiet applause. The director called it “a perfect take.”

But as Minjae helped you off the bench, he held your hand a second too long.

“Y/N,” he said gently. “You know I’m not pretending, right?”

You looked at him.

He didn’t push for an answer. Just gave you a soft smile and walked away.

And for the first time in weeks, you felt your heart flutter—for someone who wasn’t Jihoon.

And that scared you more than anything.

Because if you could feel that…

Does this mean that your heart had started to heal?

Or is it just you trying to forget the ache?

Jihoon’s POV

He didn’t know what he was expecting when he showed up on set.

Maybe he just wanted to catch a glimpse of you. Maybe to leave the demo of the song he wrote—your song—quietly with the director.

But instead…

He saw you and Minjae together.

You and Minjae standing beneath the cherry blossom tree prop, still in costume, laughing softly between takes. You looked lighter than he remembered. Less tired. Like you stopped carrying him around in your heart.

Minjae leaned in. Whispered something.

You smiled. A real one.

Then you touched his arm.

Jihoon froze, his breath caught between his ribs like broken glass.

Because that was how you used to touch him when you were nervous. When you liked someone and didn’t know how to say it.

The assistant director passed by and recognized him. “Oh! Woozi-sshi—are you here for Y/N?”

Jihoon nodded wordlessly, watching Minjae brush a piece of lint from your coat. You didn’t stop him.

For the first time since you left, Jihoon felt something worse than guilt.

Fear.

What if this wasn’t just you trying to heal?

What if you are already gone and will never come back?

You turned around just in time to catch Jihoon's back walking away silently from the set area.

Your longing stare does not pass unnoticed by Minjae as he followed your sight and it land perfectly on Jihoon, who was seen slipping into his car and drove away from the scene.

*

The rooftop of the studio was quiet, cold wind sweeping your hair softly.

Minjae stood beside you, holding two warm cups of tea. He offered you one with a half-smile. “I figured you needed a break.”

“Thanks.” You took the cup, both hands wrapping around the comforting warmth.

Both of you stood in silence for a moment, watching the city lights blink below.

Then he said it.

“I saw the way you looked at him today.”

You flinched.

Minjae looked down. “It’s okay, you know. That you still love him.”

Your eyes welled up instantly.

“I try not to,” you whispered. “I tell myself he hurt me. That I should hate him. That someone like you would never make me cry.”

He smiled softly. “But I’m not him.”

“No,” you said, voice cracking. “You’re not. You’re safe. You’re kind. You say the right things. And if I could choose to fall in love with someone new… it would be you.”

He turned to you fully now, expression unreadable.

“But I didn’t choose Jihoon either,” you continued, tears slipping down. “It just happened. Every version of me—happy, tired, lonely, broken—somehow always wants him.”

Minjae didn’t look away. He reached out, gently wiping the tear from your cheek.

“Then let me be the one who’s there,” he said softly. “Even if you’re still loving him.”

Your voice trembled. “That’s not fair to you.”

“Maybe not,” he said. “But neither is pretending you’ve moved on when you haven’t.”

You fell quiet for a moment, eyes staring randomly from the view infront of you.

Seeing you sad made his chest tighten and he really didn't want to burden you with his love any longer.

"Maybe we're just not meant to be together." He quietly whispered, a voice so soft that the words are only his to hear.

“I like you, Y/N. I’ve never hidden that,” he said gently. “But I’ve also never tried to replace what you lost. I thought… maybe if I waited long enough, you’d stop looking for him in the spaces between us.”

A pause. Pain flickered in your eyes.

“But you haven’t,” he added, voice quiet. “You still love him.”

Tears pooled but didn’t fall. You opened your mouth to speak, but he raised a hand, stopping you with a sad smile.

“I’m not asking you to apologize for it. I just… I don’t want to be another person who makes your heart heavier.”

Your lips trembled. “You were never a burden.”

“I know,” he said. “But I also know what it’s like to love someone from afar. And I think Jihoon’s been doing that too. Every day since you left.”

You looked away, blinking fast.

“So,” he continued, “I want to help you find your way back to him.”

You shook your head. “You don’t have to—”

“I want to,” Minjae said firmly. “Because you deserve to be loved fully. And maybe the person who broke you… is also the only one who knows how to put you back together.”

Your tears finally falls.

And Minjae just reached across the table and held your hand—one last time.

“Promise me you’ll listen to that song he sent you,” he whispered. “He poured his heart into it.”

You nodded, too choked up to speak.

He let go first.

“Go heal, Y/N. I’ll be cheering for you.”

And just like that…

The man who could’ve been your peace became your quiet strength—

and your silent goodbye.

*A few days back*

“Y/N.”

You froze.

The voice you once longed to hear now struck like lightning.

Slowly, you turned.

And when your eyes met, a thousand emotions flooded between the both of you—regret, longing, pain, love.

“What are you doing here?” you asked, voice small, guarded.

Jihoon stepped forward. “I came to say I’m sorry. And shamelessly to beg you to come back.”

Your lips trembled. “Don’t.”

“Please. I was stupid. Blinded. I let stress, pressure, and my own fear make me push away the one person who loved me the most.”

“You said I was a burden,” you whispered. “Do you know how that felt?”

“I do now. Because living without you… it’s worse than any pressure I’ve ever known.”

Silence fell. You wanted to crumble, to cry, to throw yourself into his arms—but your wounds were still too fresh.

“I don’t know if I can do this again, Jihoon,” you said, voice breaking. “I’m scared. I’m tired.”

“I wrote a song,” he said suddenly, voice sound desperately begging for you to hear him. “For you. It’s yours. Just once—let me play it. And if your heart still says no... I’ll walk away. For good this time."

Your answer will decide the fate of your love story with Jihoon and maybe deep down, you still want him to be the only one for you and you don't want to let him go just yet.

[trashart00]

Less than 12 hours until the release of “The Tortured Poets Department”!

Hence, I present to you, “The Tortured Catboy Department”

Track List:

SIDE A: Deux Semaines (feat Ladybug) / The Tortured Catboy Department / My Lady Abandons Only Her Favourite Partners / Down Bad

SIDE B: So Long, London / But Daddy I Love Her / Fresh Out the Slammer / Akuma !!! (feat Monarch)

SIDE C: Guilty As Sin? / Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me / Even Ladybug Can’t Fix This / loml

SIDE D: I Can Do It With a Broken Heart / The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived / The Cataclysm / Adrien Agreste

Bonus Tracks: The Black Cat / Solitude / Doppelgänger / Tell-Tail Heart

(Love how so many of the original track names still work)

My takes of what each song is about/inspired by under cut (but, if you feel like it, tell me yours :D)

I’m picturing all of these to be from Adrien’s perspective so they reflect mostly his version of the situations rather than the objective reality (especially the Laybug centered ones)

Deux Semaines (feat Ladybug): This one would focus on the sequence in Multiplication where Monarch doesn’t attack and how LadyNoir’s relationship recovers from the events of Season 4.

TTCD: Kept the “Catboy” singular because while there are multiple Catboy identities, there is only one boy underneath them all. Hence while I think it would be about him just stating his issues with everything, it would also focus on loneliness and how his department is understaffed :(

MLAOHFP: All of the Season 4 LadyNoir separation arc angst, with the “Favourite” being a callback to Risk (and kinda a jab at Rena because he thinks that she’s really her favourite, but y’ know, she didn’t abandon her so Rena can’t be her actual favourite)

Down Bad: Mainly about how Chat’s love for LB makes him excuse her behaviors, but also makes him act out (maybe a reference to Elation).

SL,L: About the whole arc of Gabriel sending Adrien to London and all of the memories he would have surrounding this ordeal - key point, not “So Long, Paris” because he didn’t want to leave, and in the end he comes back to a changed world.

BDILH: This one’s either about the Chat Blanc breakup or Gabriel’s dislike of Marinette in Season 5 (or both, with maybe a line about how he feels like this has happened before)

FOTS: Adrien realizing his father is a Bad Person.

Akuma !!! (feat Monarch): This one would be like a song about his daily life and then the chorus would start with a shout of “Akuma!!!” and it would switch to him as Chat Noir. I feel like it would start out with normal life being boring/hero life being fun but as it goes on he grows exhausted. Monarch has a rap verse.

Guilty As Sin?: Chat Blanc centeric - would ask who is to blame for the destruction of the world, like is it Chat because he lost control or Hawkmoth because he took advantage of his son’s emotion?

WAoLOM: Chat Blanc centric at first (like a villain song) but ends with Adrien reflecting on the events of Evolution-Destruction-Multiplication-PS night

ELCFT: I think it would be about his relaction ship with his father and how he wishes there was something he could do to go back to how they were when Emilie was alive but there’s no easy fix and his father keeps on getting worse and worse after any attempt.

loml: A song for Marinette with a bittersweet air - she’s the love of his life but he can’t tell her everything, and she can’t tell him everything either

ICDIWaBH: CatWalker centric - him going back to Ladybug in Kuroneko.

TSMWEL: I actually have three for this one - 1. About Gabriel and his need to domineer because he feels small and powerless. 2. About Adrien feeling small and insignificant. 3.About Plagg because he’s a smol boi (it would be like a lighthearted, cheeky song, like when you sing to your pet about how adorable they are)

The Cataclysm: Literally about how he cataclysmed Monarch, but also about how the event impacted his perception of self.

Adrien Agreste: Ending the album with a song that’s his own name :o.

Now for the variants:

The Black Cat: This one has Chat on the cover and the song is mostly about his bad luck. ‘I Love You It’s Ruining My Life” works both directed at Ladybug and his father.

Solitude: With Chat Blanc on the cover, this one’s about his mother. I think the “You Don’t Get To Tell Me About Sad” is pretty self-explanatory.

Doppelgänger: CatWalker is on this one, his song would be about how he may literally be the same person but he doesn’t fully feel like himself. He had to repress a lot of himself to be CatWalker hence I thought “Am I Allowed To Cry?” fit him really well (especially with Plagg not giving him the time to fully recover before he had to jump back in). Please note the crossed out name (unlike Chat Blanc) because he’s reinventing himself.

Tell-Tail Heart: This one has Ladybug on the cover - wait she’s not a Catboy?? The song is titled “Tell-Tail Heart” as a reference to Edgar Allan Poe’s “Tell Tale Heart” and would explore Chat’s perspective of Ladybug’s guilt for keeping secrets, how any excuse she makes is ultimately unimportant because she would do it either way. The fact that this is the only song title with a pun references how Chat tries to lighten the mood and avoid serious conversations, and the “Tail” is supposed to refer to Rena Rouge. The flowers she’s holding are meant to be foxgloves which symbolise secrets and insincerity (they’re also poisonous and damage the heart :)). I also really liked the “Old Habits Die Screaming” for her as it could mean both Chat Noir’s love for her being an old habit that he cannot get rid of, but also her habit of keeping things from him (especially with how she does it again at the end of season 5) being something she can’t stop. It is also him being able to see that, despite what she tells him, her “Heart” is tells him otherwise.

(also would like to point out that he wouldn’t mention Rena by name, he’s upset, not evil)

[the-case-book-of-fanfiction]

Love Bites {Masterlist}

With your memory spotty, you gravitate toward the first person you see—an old friend from a very old past. But Astarion is keeping plenty of secrets...and he's never been the best liar. How long will it take before his deceptions unravel? And what will you do when you realize just how much damage he's done?

Ship: Astarion Ancunin x fem!vampire spawn!elf!Tav/reader

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, vampire spawn!Tav, fem!Tav, manipulative but guilty/regretful Astarion, Astarion's sexual trauma, Cazador, vampire bite, reader is turned into a spawn, reader is technically one of Astarion's victims

18+ Warnings: vaginal sex, consensual sex, mirror sex, riding, fingering, oral, blood kink, bite kink, loving sex, non-descriptive noncon/dubcon (Astarion’s trauma), Astarion experimenting with his boundaries

Total Word Count: 47,397 words (87 pages)

Notes: The title of this fic (and some of its chapter titles) is heavily inspired by Def Leppard's song Love Bites.

Posting Schedule can be found on my {Updates Page}

CONTENT NOTE: Where Astarion's perspective comes into this fic, I tried writing his experience with his hurt that he has been treated this way along with his "this is what I do" mentality; he's very back and forth about the abuse he's endured and some of my writing reflects that. If that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable in anyway, I completely understand and I encourage you to leave the fic at any point. However, I do believe writing this perspective is necessary, as his blasé take on his sexual trauma is one that I myself have struggled with, as I am sure other survivors have as well.

☟ story parts linked below ☟

Best Unremembered {Chapter 1} Waking up with a spotty memory and the only person you do remember is jarring enough—but it only gets worse when the people who remember you are monsters and strangers.

Walking Corpses {Chapter 2} Astarion's night spent searching for prey is interrupted by an unwelcome feeling of familiarity. Your life is derailed by recognizing a long-dead friend.

Little Love {Chapter 3} Appearances can be deceiving, but they can also tell you everything you need to know. A second look at the elf you once called a friend is all you need to fill in the two-hundred year gap.

The Golden Elf {Chapter 4} Sometimes, vampires choose their spawn specifically. Sometimes, they're in the wrong place at the wrong time and are lost to their loved ones for centuries. These days, that's all you can think about.

Little Star, Little Sun {Chapter 5} A long-awaited reunion that doesn't go quite as planned can lead to many things, especially when two manipulators both lay their traps for one another. Though is it really a trap when all you want to do is spare your lover from yet another night of torment?

Love Bites {Chapter 6} Astarion remembers you, but it's already too late. He's bedded you and remembered the love and life you had together, two hundred years ago, and now he has to make a choice. Does he sacrifice himself, or does he sacrifice you?

Love Bleeds {Chapter 7} Fangs gleam in the shadows and a coffin lies open nearby. Vampire lords are nasty creatures; even a changed heart can do very little when there are claws around it.

On My Knees {Chapter 8} A betrayal so severe even centuries of love threaten to break beneath its weight. Yet you offer forgiveness, even if Astarion has not felt its kindness in two hundred years.

Second Chances {Epilogue} Home is a place and home is people. You have quite the large family now, and it's time to provide for them, however you may.

Love Bites Soundtrack — 3h50min

Chapter 1: tracks 1 - 6 Chapter 2: tracks 7 - 13 Chapter 3: tracks 14 - 19 Chapter 4: tracks 20 - 26 Chapter 5: tracks 27 - 32 Chapter 6: tracks 33 - 40 Chapter 7: tracks 41 - 46 Chapter 8: tracks 47 - 53 Epilogue: tracks 54 - 60

[Image Caption: I do not give permission to repost, translate, or publish my work on any other site or app by anyone except myself. I do not give permission for my work to be fed into AI (for audio, art, or writing).]

Baldur's Gate 3 // Astarion Ancunin

Taglist: {comment and let me know if you'd like to be added to the Astarion taglist!} @wayward-hel @cheeslyy @ofmyth-andmagicart @neetheslayer @whispering-depths @freesidexjunkie @lightsinmycity @the0ldmann @gobbodoggo @oooof-ifellforyou @beeblisss @fangboner @aquaarietes @fiercest-eigengrau-skies @niqhtfell @call-me-nyxx @lueji-m @ceres-xiv @tricksy-trinity @graynstairs @rosa-rubus @ynisthatyou @thegoodwitchs-blog @catching-fire-in-the-wind @kiyastrf94 @vincemachina @silverfangmarks @ravenswritingroom @hinata7346 @hellethil @caramel-hufflepuff @beemiilk @mypainischronicbutmyassisiconic @starwatch77 @julianmarie @sadexistentialism @supernaturallover15 @writinghound @frankie-mercury @kindadolly @infernalrusalka

[s3thwrit3sstuff]

❝Oh, oh-oh❞

Konig x male!reader | nsfw, smut | sub. bttm. reader (AMAB) | wc: 3,747

warnings: public sex, crossdressing, feminization, anal fingering, blowjob, slight sexual humiliation towards reader, light degradation, dacryphilia

in an attempt to win an argument with your boyfriend, you hit a few low blows but he bests you by bringing up how pathetic you were from a few nights ago.

"God, it is freezing out there" A large hand brings you closer to Konig's side. He rubs your arm though the pressure is barely felt through the thick coat you wore but the gesture is sweet. "I thought the Earth was supposed to get warmer, you know I'm starting to believe that that's just a scam" Konig chuckles. "You are just not built for this weather, babe" He teases as he slings a heavy arm around your shoulder to reach towards your covered face. "Well, I'm sorry I'm not built to survive inhuman levels of temperature, I'm sorry only one of us can be an operator for a private military contractor — Mpfh!" The same gloved hand that offered you comfort mere seconds ago was now planted over your face, tugging your knitted cap down and over your eyes in the process. "Schatz", he warns. [Darling.] His tone is still light despite it. The streets were more or less bare due to the weather but the shops were still aglow with lights. Those poor, poor, retail workers. The only thing staving off feeling completely guilty for stepping into one of the shops and making the already miserable worker have to work in horrid weather was the fact that due to Konig's work relocating the both of you here, your wardrobes were in desperate need of attention. "Hey," He greets them with a nod, his eyes squishing in a façade of a grin. His face was hidden with a mask which he finds a lot of comfort in not only for the fact that he worries someone from work finds out about his face and finds him (or worse, you) but it was less straining to mask his expressions in a conversation.

You rip his hand away from your face with a huff, walking ahead of your boyfriend as a way to show your obvious displeasure. Konig just chuckles and follows along, grabbing a basket. The shop wasn't that big but the brand was a household favourite.

It was a little pricy but Konig had more money than he knew what to do with at times, he can indulge. Plus, the quality and longevity of the clothes were worth it — it was all ethically made as well! A win in both of your books. "Schatz, you can't be mad that I remind you not to speak of my work aloud" his accented voice chides as you look for the basics of a wardrobe. T-shirts in neutral colours, jeans, underwear, and a new winter jacket since yours was doing shit at keeping you warm. "Yeah, yeah, because secret service assassins are constantly listening to you" An arched brow is thrown your way as your larger-than-life boyfriend shadows you. A sigh escapes you and with a dramatic wave of your arm, you place the back of your hand on your forehead and bemoan; "You're so important, schnucki". [sweetie-pie] "A real James Bond, I'm so lucky to be with you". Konig bursts into laughter. The pop song playing on the speakers do little to cover how gleeful the sound was. You stubbornly look ahead, finding immense interest in the different shades of green the t-shirt was made in. He all but towers behind you as he wraps an arm around your shoulder, pressing his covered nose to the top of your head as his chest rumbled with amusement. "You're extremely silly, hübscher". [handsome] "Compared to you? Everyone is, obviously" his eyes gleam and his arm squeezes you closer. It makes you halt your movement. That familiar pressure against you, the aura of heaviness suddenly draping over you. Konig can't help but think of how truly lucky you are. How many soldiers, mercenaries, and lowly scum had he crushed with his bare hands just like this? Too many to even count. He preferred keeping his thoughts of work and you on very different sides of the fences but whenever you throw a silly fit he can't help but coo inwardly at it. The blood he's knee-deep in, the strength in his sinewy muscles, and the rank he's earned by his sheer brutality and determination all purr in delight at your stubbornness. At your brattiness. You feel something poking at your back. A feat only Konig's cock could manage despite the thick coat you're wearing. Well, this wasn't a complete shock. After his return, the two of you would spend hours annoying your neighbours, however, your upheaval from your last house was made in haste.

Konig managed to squeeze in some frottaging in the shower last night but jetlag won over. Perhaps that's why it took so little to rile Konig up. He sways and you do too. Konig eyes his peripherals, noting the workers were pretending to look busy reorganizing some jewellery on a gondola so he leans down to whisper in your ear.

"Let's look in a different section," he knows you're about to retort so he grabs your chin and tilts your head backwards that way he can leer down at you.

"Command, not suggestion". He enjoys the way your eyes scan his. The flicker of emotions, the way you wet your lips and a hint of your teeth brushing over your lower lips. He knows the blood pooling around your cheeks isn't just from the cold. Your eyes flutter close then open and he grins behind his mask as he releases your chin/neck.

Konig guides you towards the women's section with a steady gait. A worker gives an apprehensive glance but admittingly got far too embarrassed to stare once you stopped in front of the more...sexy bedroom set display.

Silk lingerie didn't last long in your bedroom sessions with Konig. He's gentle when he wants to be — those lazy morning sex with his tongue working you open and his hands stroking your dick to completion until you're limp and boneless was bliss — but his fetish for dressing you up in delicate lingerie sets always ends with your legs and hips needing a few days to recuperate. His size was another reason why sex with Konig was utterly satisfying and sore inducing but it's not like you dislike it (quite the opposite). "Which one, hm?" This time his arms are circling your waist. It was a shame that he was so covered up because the sight of his veins across the back of his scarred, calloused, hands always made you shiver. God, you can practically see the way his biceps are flexing as he continues to sway again. The silk clothes are all much too raunchy. Suddenly, it's too warm under your layers but that's not the exact reason you're squirming.

Most of them are cute. Feminine-cut clothes that would hang too low on your hips with thin straps that would slip down one shoulder. The ones that weren't cute were the classic lingerie dresses. Their length is so short you knew it would tickle the back of your thighs and hide nothing once bent over. The way it was tailored to hug just under the breasts was meant to give it definition but seeing as you were lacking in that department you'd think Konig wouldn't be a big fan? Wrong. He's as horny as an animal in heat when it came to you but he did have a thing for the way your "tits" couldn't fill out the certain clothes he got you. Maybe he just has a "thing" for you in general. He was insatiable. Konig stops swaying. You snap back into the present and furrow your brows. "Schatz", he purrs. "Yeah, yeah, I'm..." The black silk set catches your eye and you reach for it to feel the lace that lines the bottom hem. Pleased by your choice, Konig reaches for the hanger to pluck it from your hands and into the basket it goes. "Changing room...Mein König?" [My King?] His mask hides his sharp grin but his eyes darken from that warm coffee-coloured eyes to pools of sin.

The changing room was foreign. New country, new city, new surroundings. A sense of relief washed over you as you noted the wooden doors, glad they weren't just curtains held together by some loose velcro straps or hooked onto the opposite wall. The changing room hallway was dimmer than usual but once Konig had opened the doors to the room, it was clear why. He let out a low whistle at the sight of the floor-to-ceiling mirrors backlit by LED strips. The dimension of the space was large enough to not feel too claustrophobic — those mirrors seemed to increase the space as well. You shed your jacket, spotting a stool in one corner of the room meant to be a place to put your clothes, bags, or perhaps someone's horny partner to sit on as they look at you expectantly. The sight of Konig sitting on the tiny seat was comical, you pursed your lips to stop laughing but it couldn't be helped. Konig took off his cap and mask, effortlessly reaching towards the hooks on the wall to hang them before he leans back and tilts his head at you. His long, toned, legs stretched out before him. It invades your space. Overwhelming the room with more of him until the giggles fade away. Unwilling to accept his silence, you prod further. "What? You look cute, okay. All awkward in the corner, is this how you were in high school? All limbs like a spider, bet you were an eye-catcher, baby" He doesn't seem phased by your teasing. With his mask off, you can now ogle his face. That scar on the bridge of his aquiline nose, those strong jaws and sunken eye-sockets that give his eyelid a more hooded look. His top lip is thinner than his bottom, with a prominent cupid bow. Feeling emboldened you shed your knitted cap then your jacket and let it drop to the floor. The scarf twirls around your wrist as you walk forward and bend over to level your eye line with Konig. His downward-facing lashes almost always tickle his cheek — well, when they haven't been burnt off from his close proximity to explosives and fire. Thankfully, they're intact this time and you brush your thumb across his cheek, admiring their length. "You're the cutest little boy, you know?" his eye twitches. Still, he does nothing. Konig simply keeps his eyes on your face. You lean in, breath ghosting along his lips while you grin. "Come on, nothing to say, Mein König? Usually, you're the one that's so fucking loud, whimpering, growling, grunting —" Konig jerks forward. You hold your ground. His silence was both nerve-wracking and gratifying. "Ausziehen. Na." [Strip. Now.] He knows you know what he's saying. There's recognition in those perfectly shaped eyes. Leaning back, he adjusts his broad shoulders and eyes those shapely legs impatiently. "Ich werde nicht zweimal fragen." [I will not ask twice.]

He likes this changing room. Not only could he see the expressions on your face as you strip, but he could also see the view from behind thanks to the mirrors. The lights cast you in an almost angelic glow, a rim lighting that makes your skin all but glimmer. You're bent over, pulling your pants down, when the sounds of your moans fill the room. You nearly split your skull open in your haste to grab the phone from Konig's hand. He lifts his leg and his boot pushes onto your stomach, knocking you back and making you stumble onto the floor. You're almost naked, completely defenceless. Konig does not stand. He simply sits and knocks the toe of his boot to your thigh and jerks his chin to the basket close to you. Meanwhile, your moans are still playing. The wet noises of skin slapping against skin, the mattress creaking and the headboard slamming on the wall. "Konig! That's way — That is way too loud!" He splits open your thighs with the same boot and you squeak as he applies pressure to your crotch. The icy coolness from the outside has you shivering as you clamp your thighs around his ankles but he simply presses. Your high-pitched moan elicits a chuckle from Konig. That motherfucker mimics your moan, his stoic face turning annoyingly expressive as he mocked yours. His giddiness is hard to contain. He turns the screen to you and keeps on echoing the noises you're making. "Oh, oh-oh! Oh fuck! Konig! Right there!"

"Point taken!" You plead, blindly reaching behind you to grab the silk dress. You hear the shuffle of feet in the changing room hallway, hushed whispers but Konig does not pause the video. He simply lets it play as you hurriedly slip on the outfit. What a sight you were.

On the floor, pathetically slipping on a raunchy outfit while your crotch was still being stepped on. The straps are falling off your shoulders and your flustered state does little to assist. Your hair is askew and your cheeks are warmer than the fucking sun. The video stops just as you reach your orgasm and Konig removes his boot. "Strip. Fully."

He tosses the phone on the floor and leans forward. His elbows are on his knees and he gazes down upon you like a hungry wolf. After an awkward shimmy, the only thing protecting you from the wooden floors of the changing room was the thin silk. Your cock was tenting the front and no amount of tugging the material down was going to help you. "I think I may have been gone for too long, yes? My slut is much too disobedient as of late and getting more and more perverse. You're so hard after letting everyone in the store hear how pathetic you are when you take my cock, have you no shame?" Konig clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth when you avert your gaze. When you meet eyes, he's unbuckling his belt with one hand. "Do you even deserve to see my cock?"

You shake your head. No, no, of course, you don't! You're just a whore, a perverted boy who belongs to be on the floor. Even the lingerie you wore was too modest for you. Konig could tell you were edging towards that cloudy state. His cheek twitches as he suppresses a knowing grin. "That's right. You don't. But I'm allowing you to" "Th-Thank you, Mein Konig" He spreads his legs and pats his inner thigh after he had unzipped and pulled his heavy cock out. You gulp at the sight of it. It was damn near monstrous — a cock a few people could only ever see in pornography. Crawling on all fours, you nuzzle his thigh as thanks before grabbing it by the base. God, it was so hefty. A delicious pink tip and a few delicate splatters of moles decorated Konig's cock. The mouthwatering veins were given kisses and yet Konig remains silent as he watches with rapt interest in how you worshipped his big dick. "Perk your ass out. More" You're confused as to what he intends to do. Perhaps he wanted to see your asshole winking back at him in the mirror while you suck him off? That seems likely. You spread your knees and arch your back as you suck on his tip, loosening your jaw and covering your teeth as you close your eyes. Konig removes his glove. It doesn't take long for you to start drooling. He swipes two fingers under his dick, around the ring of your mouth, then leans forward to slip them in. Your choked reply is ignored by Konig. It's hard to breathe. You can feel his fingers scissor your muscles open all while he envelops you in his scent, his warmth, his everything. You feel like he's consuming your every being. His cock is halfway in, your jaw is aching and anyone unlucky enough to walk into the changing area would most definitely hear you gagging on it. Your eyes are watering, huffing through your nose as you feel your hips jerk without any conscious thought behind it. He's fucking you open on his fingers and he knows where to aim to make you all but spineless. There's this distinct dick-shaped bump in your throat. Konig is silent. When he pulls out his fingers and cock you cough, cushioning your face on his thigh as you catch your breath. One of the straps is falling off your shoulder and the dress hangs off your chest in a whorish display thanks to your flat chest. Konig's breathing is faster than usual but he is wordless as he grabs your wet chin.

"Kuh...Konig — Ngh!" You're looking at your reflection. Legs as wobbly as a newborn fawn as he holds you up. The dress is bunched over the curve of your ass. You're jerked forward until you slam into the mirror. A pained whimper is replied with a harsh slap to the back of your thighs. He uses his boots again. This time to kick your ankles apart. The fingers on your chin force you to look forward as Konig's heavy cock is placed on your back.

His face places itself on the crook of your shoulder. Those dark eyes swallow the lights from the mirror as he takes pleasure from your melted expression. You still taste his precum on your tongue, jaws still slack and lungs still desperately trying to swallow air. His thumb on your hole can feel the way you clench around nothing and Konig finally breaks his silence. "You are so filthy" You don't deny him of this fact. His cock pushes on the tight ring of muscles and you moan, fogging up the glass as he pushes, pushes, and pushes until he's inside and oh fuck. Your eyes are rolling to the back of your head. He fills you up so well. Every inch violated, comforted, by him. The pressure is so overwhelming but so familiar and you're getting on the tip of your toes to perk your ass out more. He watches the way your ass swallows inch after meaty inch. "Mein Süßer" [My sweet one] Konig groans into your ear. He's gripping onto your waist so tightly you know bruises will bloom and that thought alone makes you press your cheek on the mirror so you can look at him from over your shoulder. "Mein Konig, please...please, please, please" He's been far too mean and you're begging so sweetly. Konig thrusts in and out of you so harshly that your breath is being knocked out of you. He's kissing you, you're barely there to reciprocate. It's messy, it's hot, it's too much. His hand thumps onto the mirror and the lights flicker but neither of you cares. He's fucking into you so good you can't think. Konig is mouthing your neck, one hand on your waist while the other is groping everywhere, anywhere — as long as it was you. That's all that mattered to Konig. You're being far too loud. Both of you. There's no way no one knows what you're getting up to. Your breaths are fogging up the mirror and there's a ripping sound as Konig tugs on the strap too harshly. "Buh-Baby!" he shushes you. "I'll pay, fuck, I'll pay for anything you want, this boypussy is worth it. So fucking good, so tight " he snaps his hips into you and you choke out a cry at his name. "Fühlt sich gut an, nicht wahr?" [Feels good, doesn't it?] Your chest is now in full view and so Konig grabs at it, twisting your nipples harshly. You're sobbing, tossing your head back as plead for him to slow down. Tears are now streaming down your face, lashes clumping together as you groan out, hand prints being left on the smooth surface as you desperately attempt to grasp at anything to ground yourself. "So sehe ich Dich gerne". [I like seeing you this way.]

Konig grins wickedly. He knows you're close, he can feel it in the way you're tightening up around his cock. He's not that far behind and he was determined for the two of you to cum at the same time. Thankfully, Konig knows just what to do to push you over the edge. Not that it would take much. All that foreplay, that humiliation, already made you a stroke away from jizzing on the floor. His sharp canines sink into the juncture of your shoulder and neck and you yelp as you paint the floor and mirror with your cum. "Ah, fuck!" you tightened around him like a vice and Konig stills as he empties his balls into you. His thighs twitch and his hips jerk a few times as he pants to catch his breath. "Woah!" Konig holds you up, laughing breathlessly as he hugs you. Your head is lolling to the side so he gently leans your head back, stroking your neck and chest until you're able to sharpen your eyes back into focus. "Are you alright, Schatz?" he's flattening his palm on your chest to feel the way your heart thuds against your ribcage. You nod, gulping and panting as you try to form sentences. He's patient as he carefully maneuverers you to lean fully against him. "Fuck, why'd you have to cum in my ass" Konig snorts as he lets you peel away to brace yourself on the mirror. He would say sorry but he's not. The sight of his cum dripping out of your hole has his cock twitching all over again. While you're catching your breath he reaches for his phone. The sound of his camera going off makes you roll your eyes. He's always taking pictures or videos. Says it keeps him occupied when he misses you a bit too much while he's deployed. Who are you to deny your boyfriend his needs? Wordlessly, you jut your hips back and spread your ass for him. He thanks you. It was silent as you both clean up (as much as you could) and when everyone was dressed you try not to limp on your way out. The workers all avoid looking in your direction and you groan as you hide your face in Konig's side. He simply tosses an arm around your shoulder, feeling smug despite the bashful blush under his facemask. "We can never shop here again" you mutter "There are more shops" Konig comforts.

[swallowerofdharma]

I’m quite grateful for the current conversation happening around a trans reading of Yashiro and that there is a questioning in the first place. One of my more profound and “philosophical” interests is around a topic sometimes called “epistemology of ignorance”: a theory of knowledge and in particular of the active limitations of knowledge, of those practices that contribute to basically rendering invisible, obscure or obsolete (or “problematic”) those types of knowledge and information that don’t serve those in power. It’s a very active and quite persistent production of forms of marginalization that would not otherwise exist in such extreme forms, because people are rather capable of empathy unless relentlessly trained to discredit or push away certain narratives and alternative epistemic proposals. When talking about “ignorance” in this context, the goal is to familiarize ourselves with it, not to make ourselves feel worse, but to keep learning, to keep ourselves open and aware of how incredibly insular and limited our own knowledge might actually be, because we are always taught the basics in a very specific and always politically and ideologically motivated social contexts. But this is maybe not the place for this kind of framing, but more than anything: I don’t feel intellectually equipped to explain this topic. It’s something that I would invite people to look into themselves in case they want to, though.

It’s still worth considering that all trans experiences, but in particular those of trans women, are subject of the most violent pushbacks, and cultivated ignorance and prejudice contributed to epistemic injustices and practical oppression.

So in a broader context, because I am pleading guilty of thinking about things in broader terms in my pinned post so I don’t see why I shouldn’t at least try to, do we really need to absolutely confirm Yashiro’s identity as a (gay) man? What changes so dramatically if we look at Yashiro as a woman instead? Is she such a different person than suddenly the story told in Saezuru becomes less comfortable to read? But if that’s the case, shouldn’t we ask ourselves why? I specifically ask this question around the reading of Yashiro as a woman, rather than non-trasfeminine nonbinary or genderfluid in this instance. As these are all valid interpretations, Yashiro being a cis man is surprisingly to me the least likely interpretation for so many things that are shown in the text of the story. But because of a lack of habit of paying attention and because of specific forms of ignorance or bias, when I began reading the manga I didn’t really think about questioning Yashiro’s gender either, even when I was well aware of the recurring unreliability of certain statements in spoken dialogue or internal dialogue, and the depth of the story. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that there was something more to it, even if I was picking up things initially only on a subconscious level. I mean, I was associating specific songs with Yashiro that were all about other trans women’s experiences in non ambiguous terms. Yet until someone pointed to me this art and tags by Benvey I was still on the quite oblivious side of things. But you know what I kept thinking also? That the questions around Yashiro’s gender identity in text and in subtext seemed very intentional and I knew of Yoneda talking about another song as well, that she listened to often when thinking about Yashiro and about Yashiro’s deeper and oldest feelings. There are two different posts here on tumblr you can check and in particular this one with the Japanese transcript of the lyrics is particularly interesting to me, as Yoneda seems to be referring to the Japanese lyrics rather than the English ones for the song.

Let’s read the Japanese lyrics, retranslated in English (mostly via machine translation), just as an experiment, because of the different nuances that are even less ambiguous than in the final song:

Mother, look at this end of your love / Why was I born? Mother, your son is a deformed creature, neither man nor woman / Why was I born? It is your fault that I am so miserable / This pain, this ache / Even if I turn the mirror upside down / No one will look back at me / You say "Beauty lies in the heart" / "A heart as beautiful as a rose" / "Let's cultivate beauty in the heart" / But the roses have grown black and ugly / Mother, who told you to give birth? / Who asked to give birth to this pitiful body? / If only I hadn't been born

Mother, wait, that's not true. / Please forgive the anger boiling deep inside me, please, you are the only one I have now. I will suffer the torture of hell for eternity. Imprisoned in this cage, in this flesh, everything has gone to waste. It's over, Mother, I don't want this anymore. The pain won't go away, like the bruises eating away at my skin. It's all my fault, even without you telling me, I realized too late. And you entrusted it to me. When light shines at the end of lamentation, when love is born at the end of hope, you say, "Beauty lies in the heart," "The beauty of the heart is like a rose," "Let's cultivate the beauty of the heart," and the rose bloomed into an ugly black flower. You say, "Beauty lies in the heart," "The beauty of the heart is like a rose," "Let's cultivate the beauty of the heart," and the rose that bloomed was──I don't understand your words anymore. Mommy, get me out of here

There is usually a lot of music happening in my head and it changes when I read something and so I could not ignore which songs were so often playing while I read parts of Saezuru or while thinking about Yashiro, when I also looked at Benvey’s art and started paying attention and reading his posts @nanayashi-agenda Well, now I can understand why I was associating Yashiro with songs like “Candy says”, “Cripple and the Starfish” and half of Anohni’s discography, why that note about the Yoko Kanno and Scott Matthew’s song “beauty is within us” was so present in my memory, even when it’s from ten years ago, and my interest so picked with all the interactions between Yashiro and other women in the manga, sometimes in the minuscule details. Why I was thinking about a crossover with the movie “The Birds”, because Yashiro’s character had partially merged in my head with the one portrayed by Tippy Hedren, especially for the instances where the character interacts with three key women: the little sister, the mother and the ex-girlfriend of her love interest.

I began to consider the possibility that Yoneda was rather intentionally drawing out many aspects of Yashiro’s identity that is good for us to question and not just be content with on a surface level, in a similar way that she thought about putting there the references to the police and the laws around sexual violence, the different mind/body’s responses to it and how slowly shifting the attention from only the more blatant forms of violent assault to the notion of consent and other forms of more subtle coercion might still not be enough to counteract other narratives. If you start reading the story and taking it in, the layers are there and it’s not like there is no time between a chapter and the next to reread. I think there is always something more to gain from paying attention here, beyond the satisfaction of our preexisting expectations.

And would it be that surprising in manga to find a certain fluidity regarding gender representation? Even in a yakuza family setting for that matter, like there has never been a Stop!! Hibari-kun! manga and anime, just to make one example? As a teenager I was collecting all the volumes of Ranma 1/2, and we are certainly not talking of obscure titles, or very niche, but we are talking about titles published in Weekly Shōnen Jump and Weekly Shōnen Sunday, respectively. Regardless of the commercial exploitation of the genre now labeled as bl and increasingly specialized magazines, I am glad that there is space for some of the stories that come out of these to have that same creative, unapologetic queer and avant-garde spirit of the most beloved manga titles, mainly in the Shōjo demographic, that created this possibility in the first place. Yashiro might just be cis in your preferred reading of the manga, in your preferred interpretation, but that doesn’t have to be necessarily correct as the only possibility and plainly obvious to everyone, you know?

[archivalofsins]

do you think amane inno t1 and guilty t2 wouldve given us a better outcome than our current route?

I know this isn't what you're expecting out the gate and it isn't completely towards you or your questions but I do have to say it. Mostly to get all my thoughts out in the right order.

I think not saying revenge and jumping/killing people even if one has convinced themselves the other party has done something wrong first or have proof of wrong doing would have stopped the jumping from happening entirely.

This would make it so Shidou would not have had to use his medical skills at all leaving it so Amane was never triggered into having the response that she did. Like that's just causation. If the audience from the beginning stated meeting violence with violence was in fact not okay we'd be in a completely different situation.

Just like Jackalope said,

MILGRAM / Jackalope’s “Third Trial Commencement Notice” 8:50s

"But, I must say, the current situation within this prison is directly influenced by the fact that she was once found “innocent”. Evil done against evil, can that ever be justified......?"

So regardless of if Amane was personally innocent trial one I still believe she would have felt a way about Shidou's actions given her past experiences.

Now I would love to sit here and say that Amane would have been the bestest little girl to exist who followed the rules so well if we voted her innocent. However, she would not have been and I'm not a liar.

I like Amane but come on let's look at the facts.

Firstly, people who have gotten voted innocent consecutively have only gotten worse either internally or in their behavior. But we'll get into how Amane's behavior may have been impacted by a trial one innocent verdict later in.

First let's discuss all the ways this situation could have been avoided.

Personally I feel like there are so many ways in hindsight to avoid the outcome we're currently living through.

Important to note that hindsight is always 20/20 so it's not some magnificent way to feel it's just what happens when one has the time to look back on circumstances with a level of distance.

I mean I had to take a break because I got burned out and to grieve specifically the deaths of the characters that are no longer here. I didn't want to go around online talking about or arguing over if they deserved better or not I just wanted to be sad in private. Because everyone handles grief differently.

It was depressing I want other songs for those characters and I wanted them to have complete stories. I had to reckon with the fact that I won't be able to know everything I could have about the characters that were lost. In the ways only I can for myself.

I wanted to be angry like I was when I heard Kotoko was innocent at the end of trial one. Even though I was pretty comfortable thinking ahn I don't have to vote if the audience already voted someone guilty for attacking others for doing bad things of course they'll remain consistent and say this is never the correct thing to do not just go well actually...

Yet, beyond just finding Kotoko guilty out the gate. Finding anyone who killed out of jealousy, revenge, or as a form of punitive punishment guilty round one would have made it more difficult to get where we are.

That would mean finding,

Prisoner 001: Sakurai, Haruka Prisoner 003: Kajiyama, Futa Prisoner 004: Kusunoki, Mu Prisoner 006: Shiina, Mahiru Prisoner 009: Kayano, Mikoto Prisoner 010: Yuzuriha, Kotoko

All guilty trial one simply for killing people out of spite or reactionary reasons.

These characters all said you did something wrong, a wrong has occurred to me, you aren't doing this the way I believe you should. All that gives me the right to physical harm you. Finding them all guilty would firmly cement that killing anyone due to any form of personal grudge is not okay.

Every single one of them has implied they killed for reactionary reasons, in response to another persons behavior that was out of the prisoners' own control, and as payback.

This is good news for,

Prisoner 002: Kashiki, Yuno Prisoner 005: Kirisaki, Shidou Prisoner 007: Mukuhara, Kazui

As none of them seem to have killed out of desire for revenge during their trial one videos.

As such they are less likely to impact this scenario outside of getting wrapped up in it through other means. A Guilty verdict does not seem necessary for them. Now trial one Momose, Amane was not espousing that it was alright for killing people for breaking the rules.

She didn't really say this in trial two either.

She just used her religious teaching as a vehicle to justify her attacking others who'd already caused her harm. She had no intention of following through of following the rules she was attacking others for disregarding. This is displayed through her stating she had fully intended on killing who she attacked who she attacked any way and the purpose of this was to like her title says purge them.

Something that was expressed in her song to be against the rules of her religion.

However, we're discussing trial one verdict right now.

Under this framing it is okay for her verdict to go either way honestly. As long as no one else who did the same thing is found innocent it should trigger a different response. Especially since the focus of Magic wasn't her attacking someone and stating that should be forgiven but taking onus of her mistake and asking for grace and forgiveness so she could try to become better now.

Because there's no way for her to change what she's already done. She can only try to be better now.

"Even I can say "I'm sorry". Even I have hope I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!"

Mahiru also expresses upset at having those who acted for similar reasons to her be innocent when she was not. Showcasing that everyone who killed due to the same motivations as her was found innocent and this upset her.

"It’s ok for everyone else but not for me."

Futa and Amane gravitated towards each other because their crimes were done for similar reasons. On top of that they both happened to be voted guilty. So things just aligned well for a team up.

However, Mahiru was isolated from the individuals who did kill for similar reasons to her.

She managed to gravitate towards them because of their natural similarities but the difference in treatment received from Milgram ultimately caused a divide and put a strain on the relationships she could have had with them.

Those people being Yuno, Shidou, Kazui, and Kotoko to Mahiru's own admission in her second voice drama,

This shows that the prisoners notice when others who did the same thing as them are found innocent. This in my opinion may make them less likely to believe the act they committed was wrong and that they were simply voted guilty due to being unlikable.

We see this happen with Mu.

Mostly because so many other murderers who killed for the same emotional reasons as she did were found innocent she internalized her verdict as,

"Is this fun for you? Tying me up, bullying me, watching me suffer. You’re just like the others, getting mad because I was lucky in life and thinking you can treat me however you want."

Which is simply her reiterating,

"If you want to betray from jealousy."

You only found me guilty because you're upset that I'm doing so well. You're just doing all this to me because you're jealous like the rest of them you don't actually think murder is bad! Liar guard.

So, good for Yuno, Shidou, Kazui, and Amane (given this question is phrased as her being innocent). All three of them could still be innocent without impacting this scenario with Mu. They were completely uninvolved and would have remained so.

It could be argued that Amane got more violent and assertive due to seeing the difference between the people who were found forgiven and found guilty. Her more aggressive bid for innocence very well could have been in response to seeing Haruka, Mu, and Kotoko being found innocent. People who all made it clear they interpreted their forgiveness as saying it's okay to use violence against others as long as something bad has happened.

An interpretation she wouldn't have if her feelings were validated from the onset. She would have thought a mistake is a mistake but it doesn't make someone an irredeemable person unworthy of any other chances. You can become better through messing up and making a mistake shouldn't be a source of shame.

"Dear wise one, Is this ok? Is it ok to be weak sometimes? I promise! A good girl that keeps a promise is like, mwah!"

When you vote the person who says that guilty and the one who says,

"I’ll teach you the pain you caused. It’s a tie after saying sorry? What are you hoping for?" / "Even I can say "I'm sorry". Even I have hope."

What are you hoping for through apologizing innocent regardless of if one recognizes it at the time or not they're making a statement there are implications there. So, it makes since that Amane would start leaning more into mannerisms of prisoners that were found innocent by the audience. Or even just become more defensive of herself and her own beliefs.

I mean everyone who did what she had but did so with no showing of shame or regret were found innocent. How can we say that Amane didn't just internalize her guilty verdict as her being viewed as wrong simply because she's expressed she understood she did something wrong? Because she recognized her circumstances as abnormal and didn't stick up for herself, her actions, and autonomy to the extent that other prisoners who were innocent did.

Before her guilty verdict Amane was moving away from her crime and focusing on her ability to grow and be better. She was interacting with animals like Jackalope despite how that went for her previously,

20/05/28

Mu: It’s weird…… Even though we’re locked up in a place like this…… everyone seems fine. …………nothing’s happened to me so far…… b-but, who knows when they’ll do something horrible to me…… ……hey, are you listening to me? What are you staring at……? Amane: I’m not staring at anything. Mu: Liar, you definitely are…… What is it……? That rabbit? Jackalope…… I think that’s what it’s called. ……do you want to pet it? Amane: ………… Eh, you want to pet it? If you want to, then I’ll be happy to go over and join you.

20/08/01

Mu: Somehow he feels even fluffier today than usual…… so soft…… Ah, Haruka, do you want to touch too? Jackalope, I mean…… Haruka: Ah, I-I’m fine…… I’m n-not good, with animals…… Amane: Hm. To think you’d have a problem with something so cute. You’re a really strange person, Haruka-san. Haruka: …………I guess so.

She was trying to keep up with her studies,

20/06/07

Amane: Kazui-san, I’ve noticed that you’re the oldest among us here, so…… I’ll get straight to the point. Are you smart? Kazui: Hm? Haha, asking yet another question that’s hard to answer. I mean, I did graduate from university, so I’d say I’m reasonably…… ah, but it was just a sports university so maybe not…… I’m not especially confident. Why are you asking? What’ve you got there…… textbooks? Amane: Yes, I made a request to the guard so was given a selection of study materials. It’s somewhat of a hobby of mine. If you were good at studying, I was considering asking if you could teach me some things. Kazui: *sigh*, geez, back when I was your age, I didn’t want to study at all…… If that’s what you want, then your best bet is probably to ask Shidou-kun or Yuzuriha-chan. They both look like they took their studies seriously.

20/06/13

Amane: ……what’s wrong, Shidou-san? Your hand has stopped marking. This is mathematics, so there’s no questions about the answers. If I got something wrong, please mark it with an X. Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…… Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san. I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself? ……please give me back my test. It seems you don’t have the concentration levels required to be my teacher. I’m going to get Kotoko-san to teach me instead. Shidou: Amane…… I don’t think that’s true. However smart you may be…… you’re still just a child.

20/06/18

Amane: Thank you very much for teaching me. ……but, though I realise it’s strange me saying this after I asked you, I must admit it’s kind of unexpected. You give off the impression of someone who wouldn’t want to get involved in things like this. Kotoko: ……well, you’re not wrong. I’m surrounded by people who could all be murderers, so I don’t plan on going out of my way to talk and make friends. I can’t let my guard down. But I like ambitious people like you. If you want to study more, then I’m happy to teach. Amane: I see…… You look scary at first impression, but I quite like the way you treat everyone equally regardless of whether they’re older or younger than you. You don’t just treat me like a child or anything like that. Kotoko: Treat you like a child? Hah, you’ve got to be kidding. Back when I was your age, I was already the person I am today. I don’t have any plans to let you get away with something just “because you’re a child.” ……remember that. There, I’ve finished marking. 83%. How do I put it… Even though you act like this, it’s not like you’re super brilliant at studying or anything, huh.

20/07/15

Amane: Eh, my studies? I enjoy it. To me, studying is something I do for fun. Do you not think the same, Mikoto-san? Mikoto: Not at all! It’s just a means to an end…… I just did the bare minimum needed to get into a good company. I actually went to an arts uni that had a pretty low subject requirement to enroll, and from there I studied curation and…… uhh, you don’t really know what that is huh. Hmm. Since your way of speaking is so mature, I keep forgetting I need to explain myself properly…… Amane: It’s fine. If there are any words I don’t understand I can look them up later. An arts university, though…… Does that mean you’re good at drawing, then? It may be a bit rude to say, but that’s rather unexpected. Mikoto: No, not really…? I mean, I could do the bare minimum needed to pass the entrance exam though. Even though it’s called an arts uni, there’s still subjects where you don’t need to draw at all. I’m the sort of person who tries to be efficient, so I worked backwards from the job I wanted to get into and chose to study subjects like direction and management~ ……ah, I’ve done it again……

She was consistently trying to do the things she enjoyed doing. Things her family probably disapproved of because those things may have exposed Amane to information that was contradictory to her religious beliefs.

"Dear wise one, am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?"

Apostle's and Death 4:13s

"Hm, what else.... I am good at getting up early."

Q.15 What time do you go to sleep and wake up?

Amane: I sleep at 9pm and wake up at 6am.

"My hobby is studying."

"I enjoy it. To me, studying is something I do for fun."

Q.01  What’s your speciality skill?

Amane: I don’t think I have a particular skill. Would studying count? I’m good at Japanese language.

"And my best subject is Japanese."

"Since your way of speaking is so mature, I keep forgetting I need to explain myself properly……" - " ……ah, I’ve done it again……" , Mikoto Kayano.

Even though you act like this, it’s not like you’re super brilliant at studying or anything, huh. , Kotoko Yuzuriha

Before her trial one guilty verdict Amane was committing herself to doing the things she wanted to do and which she enjoyed. She wasn't studying because she felt it was what her parents wanted her to do she was studying because it was something she was genuinely interested in. Something that Kotoko openly noted she wasn't too good at regardless of how high Kotoko's personal expectations of good are academically or not.

Something that Amane fully admitted she would need help and supervision doing then sought out help with over the course of trial one. After her verdict she discarded every frivolous distraction and put all her focus on her personal principles and beliefs.

"Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing."

23/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Amane: What is it…… Kashiki Yuno. Don’t sit so close to me. Go away. Yuno: Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing. But Mahiru-san’s finally managed to get to sleep. Humour me with some small talk while I take a break. By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that. Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences, and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear. Yuno: Hmm. Ok. ……happy birthday, then. It’s good that you were brought into the world, I guess.

The thing that supports the idea that Amane's parents may not have been supportive of her academic studies. Is the fact that despite being brought into Milgram with her school bag there were no study resources within it.

Yes, I made a request to the guard so was given a selection of study materials.

She had to request study materials from the guard. Even though there are books in her bag which can be seen in her character art.

This is also displayed through her discarding her backpack over the course of Milgram. She goes from wearing it proudly in trial one to it being half off in trial two to discarding it entirely in favor of attire tied to her beliefs trial three.

This leads me to believe that if Innocent trial one it was very likely she would have continued studying under one of the prisoners and leaned more into her personal interests. The person I believe she was most likely to continue her studies under is Yuno since Yuno is closest to the first person she approached for help Kazui and would not look down on her due to her age.

They would also have been innocent at the same time if we're going off trial one verdicts and she was close to both Yuno and Mahiru,

Q.10   Which of the other prisoners do you get along with?

Amane: If I had to pick someone, then Yuno-san and Mahiru-san.

The fact that Yuno continued to interact with Amane despite her standoffish demeanor comes off as them being pretty close. As well as the fact that she even if obtusely conveyed her concerns to Amane and took in her opinion on the matter. That's what makes me believe they would have been closer if their circumstances didn't become so drastically different.

Due to her trial one guilty verdict Amane moved away from trying to do the things she wanted to do and her routine became one similar to the one she had at home. Wake, study her worldview thing, clean up sleep repeat.

Now full disclosure, I only voted for two people during trial one of Milgram and one of them was Amane who I voted guilty. It wasn't for the reasons a good deal of others presented but I did vote her guilty. Not only that I received the outcome that I desired from that decision as well. Because I wanted to see if she was really about it and wanted to go hey no we're not letting you start a cult here.

Now if she did it anyway after that then it simply became a her thing.

Like I'm not going to sit here and lie.

The biggest issue with Amane was always her unwavering commitment to her faith and teachings. Not because it's what her parents taught her but because it was what she wholeheartedly believed in and committed herself to even outside of her parents presence.

"Eh? It's not scary at all. After all, God is there to protect me!"

People relate everything that Amane does to her faith even her dietary habits. Even though she states when something is a prohibited action and when it is not.

Q.11    What’s your favourite type of meat?

Amane: I don’t eat any.

Q.05  If you went to an amusement park, what ride would you choose to go on?

Amane: That’s a place I’m not supposed to go.

She never states meat is something she's not supposed to eat. She states it's something she won't eat,

Apostle's and Death 4:22s

"My favorite food are vegetables and I do not eat meat. Is there anything else you would like to know?" ... "Warden-san? Why are you spacing out? Are you a picky eater as well?"

"Are you a picky eater as well?"

Most people were more than happy to blame her not eating meat on her beliefs instead of just the myriad of other reasons one would not eat meat. She could just not eat it because she likes animals and is uncomfortable with eating them. But nooo it must be because it's something her parents taught her or won't allow her to do. She doesn't have the autonomy necessary to decide if she wants to eat meat or doesn't I mean she's twelve. There are no other elementary school age characters that choose to not eat meat.

I couldn't name one prominent other character in all of fiction. Man I wonder if The Simpsons have a new episode up now or not. Ya, know actually Lisa Simpson and Amane have a few things in common I mean- Oh, wait yeah kids can decide that they don't want to eat something and their parents have to work around that? There's a term for when a kid does that. Man what was it again...? Probably something that was used in this very series numerous times but it's escaping me in this moment.

I might of had a quote with a few lines ago actually... It might be in big red text but damn let me just think about it a bit longer. It's something considered specific to kids but anyone can be it at any age....

20/06/03

Futa: ……huh? What’s your problem? You’re just leaving all your meat? What a weird kid. Amane: You say that, but you’re not eating all of your food either. ……are you not able to eat your vegetables? Even though you’re an adult. Futa: Huh, what, so you’re just eating grass? What are you, a rabbit or something? Since you’re just a brat, you should be eating your meat properly. You won’t grow if you don’t. Amane: ……you make some really funny jokes, don’t you, Futa-san.

Kind of rhymes with icky like you're making the express decision to not eat something you find icky or disgusting.

20/07/11

Shidou: ……Kajiyama-kun, um…… do you happen to like natto? Futa: Huh? I don’t particularly care for it one way or the other…… Hah, what, are you not able to eat it? So even an adult like you who seems so composed all the time still has a pathetic side. Shidou: ……I’m not really like that. ……that’s just what it is to be an adult. When I think back…… I don’t think much about me has changed since I was around your age. Getting older…… it doesn’t mean something drastic is going to change about you. Futa: ……what a depressing outlook…… Well, guess it can’t be helped. Here, I’ll give you my boiled spinach in return. Be grateful.

"Are you a picky eater as well?"

No it must be the religion who could not like meat or sweets. Or simply just choose not to eat something without God telling them not to. I certainly know if I wasn't raised baptist I'd be eating pineapple and coconut a lot more. I don't just not like those foods God is keeping me from them by making coconut taste fucking terrible and pineapple have the texture of string.

Even things as mundane as that are blamed on her beliefs so it's no surprise that no one was able to accept she just likes having her faith and planned to use Milgram to spread it from the onset.

Apostle and Death 10:56s

"You see! I don't hate Milgram, either. Rather than one single law, there are other standards to judge my sins by. And those are closer to my spirt, as well!" Hmm? "The standards that judge my sins are somewhere else- In my heart, my blood, my entire body, they are firmly rooted in all those places!" And by those standards your murder was not a sin? "Exactly!" I see. "Ah! I'm looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgment will align with that of these higher standards!"

11:42s

"If that's the case, maybe Milgram would be the right place for us to live in, rather than the outside world! Milgram relies on your judgment, isn't that right?"

"In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!"

"And if my judgment is not in your favor, what will you do?"

"I will refuse your judgment."

People reduced Amane's character down to a simple choice of allowing religious extremism or not. However, the fact of the matter is believing that you can change someone's religious beliefs through negative reinforcement is a form of religious extremism. Something that can only lead to more religious extremism. As those who have been persecuted for their belief begin to persecute others for their beliefs.

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Amane: ……Kirisaki Shidou. How long do you plan on continuing this foolish behaviour? Shidou: I wonder what you might be referring to there. I’m just doing what I need to do. If anything, I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand. Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand? Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

If someone's going to start something like that they should prepare themselves for someone to finish it and make peace with the possibility that someone may very well not be them. Hate to hit everyone with the actions including just the words and beliefs one espouses have consequences but they do even if a person fully believes what they're doing is right there are no actions that don't create consequences.

The best a person can do is live in a way that is genuine to themselves in order to avoid forming regrets. Because the consequences are going to come regardless of how right any of us believe we are. The consequences always come.

Something that in this case means there was no version of Amane that was going to stop believing in magic and having a faith that Es viewed as childish. Because her having religious beliefs was never why she was her. She was here because she murdered people. That's an action that can simply exist outside of a religious framework. Amane would have continued to try to preach her religion and believe in it personally even if she were innocent. Because just having beliefs of any kind isn't a crime comparable to murder even when people who hold those beliefs commit murder.

As we wound up seeing from her guilty verdict, it didn't matter to Amane if Milgram or Es believed her religion was right or not. What mattered to Amane was that those beliefs were there for her when nothing else was. They were something to fall back on that told her that she could be a better person, that the world could be better, and that one mistake didn't make someone a lost cause when everyone even the audience said it did.

Having faith was something for her to consistently fall back on when she had no one else to support her. Those were her beliefs she espoused in Magic those were her hopes that regardless of what a person did if they took accountability, apologized, and began to work on being better there was nothing that couldn't be forgiven.

That was the mercy she believed in.

A belief that instead of being met with judgment she could have an equal dialogue with someone who did not treat her as lesser simply for being younger and took her beliefs as seriously as any of the other prisoners beliefs were taken.

Not just something to be blamed on her parents.

She highlighted her failings to obey those teachings to show she doesn't always listen to them. She in fact felt some of them were incorrect and unhelpful. She thought certain things that her religion said were the correct course of action and should be done were wrong.

Amane has consistently shown that she felt that if she was just listened to others would see that, things could be reevaluated, and worked on to benefit of everyone. As we've seen finding her Innocent trial two didn't make her completely recommit to her beliefs.

In fact she downright stated she was making her own religion now because her previous beliefs were flawed.

"I was wrong. The religion I believed wasn’t perfect. That’s why so many people broke the rules, opposed it. I can’t count on Milgram either. So I realised, I just needed to create one myself! My own original faith! Hehehe, ahahahaha!"

She even stated here the religion she believed as in past tense.

This plays into the second thing that would occur for Amane if she was voted innocent trial one. She wouldn't have become a completely innocent and obedient little girl that listened to the rules of Milgram. She would not simply agree with Es' judgments if they resulted in other people being harmed.

She would still be vocal about the ways Milgram punished people and would more than likely state that Kotoko's attack on the others were wrong more blatantly than others did within their trial two voice dramas. Her reaction to Shidou's behavior probably wouldn't have been as volatile.

I believe this because the punishment she received for helping the cat would not have been validated through her guilty verdict. Instead her helping the cat would have been.

She would still be really hesitant about giving people medical treatment but she would continue to come out of her shell and try things that she was told were wrong. Instead of no longer engaging with Jackalope, no longer studying her school work despite it being a hobby of hers and something she found fun, and pulling herself away from everyone who didn't see things similarly to how she did.

She wouldn't begun isolating herself in order to stick to her path alone.

She would have still been willing to help the others but she would also be willing to examine different ways of helping outside of a religious framing. Something that Magic shows her family structure was against. She probably wouldn't have rejected her religion entirely. Instead she would have been able to expand her horizons and not let her religion stop her from trying the things she wants. Because right now regardless of what her religious beliefs are Amane has a unhealthy relationship with religion that was fostered through her need of anything that would validate her under the constant scrutiny she continues to face.

It's a normal response to turn to religious beliefs when someone feels they have nothing else.

That doesn't negate the fact that religion was something she was still passionate at the start of Milgram.

It just gives her space to pursue the other things she used to be passionate about. She was asking other people about their lives, asking them to teach her, trying to engage with their experiences and hoping they would do the same with her own instead of dismissing them outright. Then it became all about her worldview the right way of doing things, saving others, and herself.

Even so, there are lines that Amane would still have if she were innocent.

She would not be okay with Mahiru and Futa getting hurt. She wouldn't think it was fair and she would want to help. But she would have to put in actual work to reckon with the medical trauma she has. Because that really is something one needs to work to move past. Plus, since she didn't like Shidou from the start she would probably still call scrutiny his treatments.

Rightfully so because he's a murderer playing doctor in a prison Kazui even called this into question before. In one of the minigrams and Yuno here,

23/09/02 (Yuno’s Birthday)

Kazui: I heard you’ve been helping Shidou-kun out. ……er, sorry if this comes across as rude, but it’s kind of unexpected. It always seemed like you didn’t care that much about other people. Yuno: Hmm? What’s with that all of a sudden. I mean, you’re right, I don’t care much. But if there’s someone dying in front of you anyone would do what they could to help, right? And anyway, aren’t you the same? You usually don’t care much either, right? Kazui: ……I wonder. This old man isn’t as much of a thinker as you are. I mean, until now I’ve been in an environment where it’s all about having physical strength. So I’ve never really thought about stuff like that. Yuno: Haha, we’re the same in that we’re both liars too. I guess the difference is the reasons we lie. You care about yourself, so lie to protect yourself. I don’t care about anyone at all, including myself.

From her first voice drama Amane stated that she wished to use Milgram to spread her beliefs. It was something she would have done regardless of her verdict.

So, I voted her guilty trial one due to that alone.

For me a guilty verdict was me saying hey I'm not okay with you using the fact that all of you are imprisoned in this difficult and outlandish situation to convince them of your faith. Everything else in this video is rather fair and reasonable to believe. I'm not gonna say people can't become better that's stupid. However, you saying you're going to use this situation to create a more righteous world and the guard as a way of mediating that personally makes me uncomfortable so Guilty.

I do think continuing to pretend as though just one character or verdict is the one that got us to the current route we're on is a bit disingenuous. Everyone in the series contributed to the state we now find ourselves in.

Haruka could have spoken to more people instead of putting all his self-worth into his relationship with the guard/audience or Mu.

Yuno could have checked in more on the other prisoners here instead of getting so annoyed with her verdict that she pulled away from everyone.

Futa could have talked Amane out of what happened with Shidou instead of believing her blindly even with how much she helped him.

Mu could have been a better friend and for once considered someone more than she did herself.

Shidou could have stopped positioning himself as superior to the others and attempting to cement his own importance just to validate himself and actually talked to these people like they were people. Instead of just individuals he could teach.

Mahiru actually no notes she was really polite in Milgram to be completely frank. She just showed up was nice got injured then died. I mean I guess she could have took the situation more seriously instead of treating it like this new and exciting thing. Been a bit more wary for her own safety but still she was nice to everybody.

Kazui could have not been exactly what he said he was a liar and kept his word that he gave to multiple people to look out for the prison during the intermission. Instead of just labelling Kotoko as the biggest threat in this jail of people he recognizes as all being murderers and has since his first trial interrogation.

Gouging in the Night 7:35s

Kazui I was too focused on Yuzuriha-kun,

Kazui Voice Lines

1: Mukuhara Kazui. I don’t have anything else to say. I’m just a murderer. 2: It doesn’t matter if you forgive me. I don’t forgive myself. Nothing will change. Nothing can change. 3: This whole time I’ve been blaming myself. Since nobody else will blame me. And the person who should be blaming me is no longer here. 4: People did die after all. I was wary of Yuzuriha-chan, but there was nothing I could do about this. If you forgave me hoping I would do something, I’m sorry. I couldn’t. 5: I wonder what was wrong. Where did I first go wrong? What could I have done to avoid lying? What could I have done to stop myself from caring?

Lol, why? You're the one who suggested everyone here was an acquitted murderer from the start. On top of that we also never saw you speak to her once during the entire intermission. In fact you seemed more concerned about Mikoto to be completely frank.

Like dude what?

I know he could have still been watching her but Mu and Haruka approached Kotoko during the intermission and so did Mahiru did he not see any of that? Was he just waiting on the sidelines like throw a blow and see what happens intimidatingly. What did he live outside her room? Was he just posted up?

He claims to have been watching her... Honestly, it just would have been nice to have any evidence of that being true in any timeline during the intermission. Because right now we only have his word and he's an admitted liar so that doesn't mean much to me and I'd still find it hilarious if he was just lying and did nothing all intermission.

Amane could've not killed Shidou which honestly yeah I think she shouldn't have because she kind of just gave that man everything he asked for out the gate. She could have just pulled a Mikoto or Kotoko and not involved herself with any of these weird people far older than her who were all alleged murderers. Again she could have been more wary just like I said with Mahiru.

Mikoto absolutely no notes he's tried all this shit and ultimately just gave up. Which I applaud him for eventually you do just need to give up.

Kotoko seriously could have considered the views and experiences of other people more and actively tried to get to know these people. She's not a martyr just because she choose to be rude and not even attempt to speak to anyone or view them as people because she was already considering attacking them and didn't want to view them as human while doing so. She's just kind of an ass for that. That's how she choose to live her life rejecting those around her until she was rejected herself leaving her isolated and alone.

However the series has again literally gone on record and said that the reason we are here is because of Kotoko. Yet, everyone is either choosing to conveniently ignore that Milgram blatantly stated this or is purposely highlighting other factors that are less significant.

The truth is as long as an incident occurred which facilitated the use of Shidou's skills we would have wound up in some version of this regardless.

The audience just sped that up by affirming that it was okay for Kotoko to jump people who she had designated as being evil based around her own values and nothing else. The truth is from the onset the fandom consistently stated violence is okay as long as the person committing said violence believes it is justified or the audience believes they had a good enough reason to do it.

The audience told Amane it was okay to harm people for breaking the rules or not meeting one's personal expectations. It did this by finding her guilty and the others innocent for doing the same fucking thing she did committing murder. No individual prisoners verdict is completely at fault for everything going on right now.

Yes, those verdicts are responsible for certain things that have occurred within the plot. Such as the ripple effect of someone jumping several people that we're stilling reaping the consequences of to this day.

Yet, Kotoko's innocent verdict is what led to her attacks.

No one else told her that attacking people who did bad things was okay but the audience and Es. In fact most didn't want to comment on it outside of saying well that's what you the guard said was okay to do. So, what are we supposed to say you judged it as okay so I guess it is regardless of my personal feelings on the matter. But certainly looked at Es and the audience sideways.

A better route to me is these attacks didn't happen.

Changing Amane's verdict doesn't do anything to stop those attacks. It just makes her individual situation in Milgram better. Which yeah if you want a better scenario for her specifically than yeah absolutely she would have been far better off if we did that!

Still, st best if she was voted innocent round one she might have spoken up against Kotoko's attacks in the same manner Shidou did in his voice drama. They may have been of the same mind on this and grown closer over the course of trying to treat Mahiru and Futa's injuries. This would have led to Yuno and Amane assisting Shidou together which would have been fun.

At worse she would have not spoken up against Kotoko's attacks taking an uninvolved route and just pushed for her religious views to be instated within the prison.

A more leveled thing would be she speaks up against the harshness of the punishment believing due to Futa that Es allowed and encouraged Kotoko to do this to them. Due to Kotoko's statements to Futa while he was being attacked,

Baptism of Fire 2:36s

"Her belief that "it's fine to do whatever to people that have done something wrong"." How do you know about that...? "She told me while she was beating me up. How she thinks it's ok for her to do anything she wants to people who have done wrong, no matter the severity of their crime."

I keep coming back to the fact that she would be against Kotoko's attacks because that's what she consistently alludes to in magic. Finding Amane and Kotoko innocent at the same time would simply have been odd. One person is saying let me apology and forgive me so I can do better. The other is saying apologies don't change anything you need to feel what you put others through. They are just ideologically opposed.

Because again that is literally what she was getting at in Magic,

"Even I can say "I'm sorry". Even I have hope I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!"

So, if anything Amane might question Es on that. Because that would be confusing.

Yet, I don't see how validating or affirming Amane would make what Shidou had to begin doing again due to Kotoko's verdict any less against Amane's religion?

Because it doesn't. Medical care was against her teachings before she got here. Milgram just cemented the belief that helping people in that way was wrong through denying her trial one. Having her view accepted would make her more amenable to helping because she went against her teaching to help the cat because she realized faith wasn't enough in that situation. Yet it would not erase all the trauma that she has around medicine because of her personal history and she wouldn't immediately go I want you to teach me how to become a doctor Shidou and can I call you dad.

That reality doesn't exist. That was never gonna happen. Because you can't affirm someone into not having trauma into recovery. It takes time and work that Amane was putting in which was completely derailed by that guilty verdict. Amane being innocent trial one wouldn't have made everyone in Milgram's life magically better.

It wouldn't have drastically changed how everyone else responded to their verdicts.

It at best would have meant not losing both Shidou and Mahiru which may have been better. Yet, if everything was the same but her first trial verdict. That wouldn't change Mahiru getting injured, Futa losing his eye, Shidou having to go back to his old job even though he fully presented in Throw Down what an unhealthy thing that was for him and how doing that work turned him into someone he simply didn't want to be, and Mahiru being his patient. Hell if she was innocent both Futa and Mahiru would have been Shidou's patients and that would be two lives in this one guys hands after the medical trauma he faced, perpetrated, and had yet to come to terms with.

Which honestly simply isn't fair to Shidou. But also it's not about him.

This is about how as much as Amane wanted to believe that there was nothing that made a person unworthy of being treated like a person deserving of respect she was told that's not true. That once you do something wrong it doesn't matter if you recognize it's wrong, apologize, and say that you'll change.

"You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already. Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?"

"It’s a tie after saying sorry? What are you hoping for?"

"I'm sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry for breaking the rules!"

"After you cry, repent, and kneel,"

"It’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry”./ "Even I have hope."

"Will you laugh with me and forgive me? I promise! I can only become a better girl!"

None of that matters.

Mercy, forgiveness, rehabilitation, restorative justice.... Those are all children tales you ignorant brat. If you do something wrong even once- You deserve to die and be known for that mistake for the rest of your life. Regardless of your age, circumstances, how much you personally regret it or the severity of the offense.

Because you can't become a better girl.

People don't improve or learn from their mistakes. No one actually believes people can do that especially children like you who are too dumb to do better or learn better. You are here to be judged unendingly and apologize until everyone here feels like you mean it. You aren't here to get better to learn you're here to be ridiculed and judged.

Because that's the only way kids like you will get it through your stupid thick skulls and become proper adults.

The only thing you'll ever be is the mess up you are right now. People are defined by their past mistakes and you need to know good and well you were wrong. We have to put the fear of god in you so the next time that you have the asinine belief you can discern right from wrong and feel like playing god yourself you are filled with crippling anxiety that stops you from acting on that ignorant thought.

You are meant to be at service to those around you, to god, not yourself what do you mean can you spoil yourself? Can we laugh together and forgive you? How are you ever gonna fucking learn if you don't recognize we're treating you like shit who's opinion doesn't matter because we love you and want to prepare you for the world we want you to know better.

See the fact that you can't even grasp that makes you less than person honestly.

So, we'll be lecturing you for hours and hours just like your parents did. What you wanted to help that cat and used healthcare to do so. That was wrong too ya fucking weirdo. That kid deserves to die. Your parents were right you should've prayed and shut fuck up.

Stupid brats like you deserve to get the hose again- You're really proving why children should be seen not heard. Why can't you just get this right kid?

Where is your mother I need to discuss her rearing tactics with her. I'm starting to think she wasn't harsh enough because apparently you were still on this shit after she died.

How many times do we have to teach you this got damn lesson.

Why was she so triggered by Shidou giving people medical treatment?

I don't know it's not like she was just voted guilty for giving something medical treatment and beat for doing so before she even got here.

Shit it couldn't be that. That'd be ridiculous.

There is no just cause for Amane to go,

"Well what the fuck I give someone medical treatment and that's a sin. The man who committed malpractice and killed his patients does it and he's good- Fuck y'all!"

Grow and change people can't do that. You're either right from the start or deserve to be beaten within an inch of your life because some stranger says you did something bad. Could being kinder to this one child have facilitated an outcome better than this?

For her probably. Like yeah absolutely I wish that was the life she had. If you mean better by more people being alive right now definitely more than likely actually. If you mean better by not refusing to believe in restorative justice and rehabilitation simply because a child was the one suggesting it then bitching and moaning about why is Milgram like this why doesn't it involve rehabilitation and restorative justice as an option?

Absolutely we'd be in better situation than this! One hundred percent. I definitely would be. I'm sick of hearing "but Milgram isn't about" when the audience did this to the one person to bring that up-

Maybe like read between the lines and vote for that if it was desired so much. Pretending it was never on the table and rejected simply because it was brought up by someone with religious beliefs is just wild though. What type of revisionist history that's exactly what the fuck she was talking about and a majority of people said no to that.

Hey, I'm one of those people. So, I can't talk too much shit I'm just honest with myself about it.

[drama-glob]

SPOILERS FOR HELLUVA BOSS SEASON 2 EPISODE 7!!!!

Let me start off by saying F*CK YOU MAMMON!!!! >:( >:( >:(

Okay now, I LOVED THIS EPISODE because as much at it broke my heart with how much of a gut punch it was that Fizz has been putting up with Mammon for years, the fact that he got his freedom at the end with the constant support of Blitz and Ozzie, who genuinely care about him melted my heart as well. ^_^

I knew going in I was going to hate Mammon (because with how he runs his ring, I couldn't see how he could have any redeeming qualities), but he seriously was a bigger abusive d*ck and was way more blatant about than I expected. >:( Poor Fizz right off the bat with his unhealthy work ethic that he's not good enough and that his value is tied into his work, something that many of us (me included) have been guilty of. I blame Cash for being the most likely factor in why Fizz thinks that way, along with his idol worship of Mammon playing into it. >:( Also, that creep getting in Fizz's head was so messed up because we come to see how genuinely nice Fizz is and he sadly let what that guy said get into his head. ;_;

I'm so glad that Ozzie from the start is looking out for Fizz's well being and mental health, which is also really sad because he has no doubt had this conversation many times with Fizz about not needing to please Mammon and that he is good enough, only for Fizz to insist everything's fine when it's not. ;_; I also had a feeling Ozzie wouldn't be a fan of the Robo Fizzes given that he loves Fizz so much and knows what people use them for, so most likely it's part of the whole blackmail deal/Ozzie can't break out of making them so long as Fizz doesn't call it quits. ;_; I'm also happy that Ozzie clearly harbors no ill-will towards Blitz (which we already saw in "Oops," but it's nice that he knows Blitz wouldn't like the state Fizz is in and needs to cut ties with Mammon). :)

Fizz is just so talented with his craft, but the further pressure that he had actual competition from Glitz and Glam just made things so much worse, but of course Mammon don't care. >:( One of the absolute best moments though had to be the sweet little deaf kid signing to Fizz and Fizz signing back as well as sign his picture, so it was sweet and it helped Fizz's mental state temporarily. It was unfortunate that flipping creep came back and messed with Fizz once again, only adding to Fizz's panic attack that goes into overdrive once he sees Glitz and Glam perform. ;_;

My sadness only built as Fizz spiraled and tried to make himself "fine," but my man Ozzie being there as soon as he hears (from Blitz no doubt) that Fizz is not okay and him not leaving until he can get to the bottom of way Fizz is so adamant about doing this while trying to comfort him was wonderful. I legit cried, as I'm sure many of you did, when poor Fizz admits that he feels like practically nothing next to Ozzie and that without his job and the fame, he'd eventually leave Fizz despite how many years they've known each other and how much Ozzie does to remind Fizz that he loves him for who he is. ;_; ;_; ;_; It's sad too that Fizz has put up with the year of abuse because he felt he owed Mammon for leading him Ozzie, even though that's certainly not true. It really brought it in home just how much trauma Fizz has suffered and affected his mental state. I can only imagine how bad it'd be if he really didn't have Ozzie in his life. O_O The sweet, honest words from Ozzie afterward just reinforced my belief that Ozzie is the best boyfriend and their song "Crooked" was so saturated with lovey-dovey sentiment, I went awwww so many times and shows how lucky they are to have each other. ^_^<3<3<3

Fizz's "2-Minutes Notice" was absolutely incredible, (especially considering this was improv ;) ) and the fact Mammon didn't realize it was about him until the end was hilarious! XD But Fizz certainly proved how amazing he is and I'm sure Ozzie was more than happy to provide the magical backup to really stick it to Mammon. ;) ^_^ <3 It was really cool getting to see full demon Mammon and Ozzie, but it was especially amazing that Ozzie announced he loved Fizz to everyone so that he could no longer be blackmailed by Mammon and so Fizz could be free of that asshole; plus, he already seemed tired of hiding it. ^_^<3<3<3 Although Mammon will definitely come back for revenge on this sweet couple, Fizz and Ozzie get to at least have their peace for now and will face the future of their relationship being outed to all of Hell together. Also, those giant nuzzles from Ozzie are everything to me! ^_^<3<3<3<3<3

[harleymoony]

HURT ME ONCE - THE MASTERLIST

Welcome to my Hurt Me Once fic masterlist on Tumblr!

Summary: Steve Blade and Connor McKinley are in a marriage that’s slowly dying. And it's dying in the worst, most boring way possible: slowly and quietly, like a plant slowly wilting or a quiet movement of a piece just fading out with no fanfare. He's falling out of love with Steve.

He doesn't want to. If he could change it, he would. But he can't. And to make things even worse, while he’s falling out of love with Steve, he finds himself falling in love with his childhood best friend and platonic soulmate, Kevin Price.

Total Word Count: 215,072

Dedicated to @wherepoetswentodie

Completed on June 30, 2025 (my birthday!!)

The Official Hurt Me Once playlist on Spotify

Chapter titles & links fully broken down with (if applicable) connection to lyrics from the playlist below!

Chapter 1: Hate To Say That I Love You - The Prologue

"You always said that I'd come back to you again 'Cause everybody needs a friend. It's true. Someone to quiet the voices in my head Make 'em sing to me instead. It's you. Hate to say that I love you Hate to say that I need you Hate to say that I want you. But I do. Bad habit, I know But I'm needing you right now Can you help me out? Can I lean on you?"

-Bad Habit, Ben Platt

Chapter 2: The Beginning of the End

"You came out of nowhere and you cut through all the noise. I make sense to the madness when I listen to your voice. Darling, only you can ease my mind. Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind. When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind, Darling, only you can ease my mind." -Ease My Mind, Ben Platt

Chapter 3: Wait for It

"We laugh and we cry and we break And we make our mistakes And if there's a reason I'm by her side When so many have tried Then I'm willing to wait for it I'm willing to wait for it."

-Wait for It, Hamilton

Chapter 4: Somewhere In My Youth

"Perhaps I had a wicked childhood Perhaps I had a miserable youth But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me Whether or not you should So somewhere in my youth or childhood I must have done something good."

-Something Good, The Sound of Music

Chapter 5: The World Falls Away

"It'll be us, it'll be us and only us And what came before won't count anymore We can try that, you and me That's all that we need it to be And the rest of the world falls away And the rest of the world falls away The world falls away The world falls away And it's only us"

-Only Us, Dear Evan Hansen

Chapter 6: The Cockblock Performance From Hell

“I love him, kiss his mouth, prayin’ He can’t see what I see When I close my eyes, you replace him Wearin’ no disguise, you erase him. I wanna feel guilty I wanna feel that it’s wrong I wanna know peace again Wanna sing a different song.” -Pushing It Down and Praying, Lizzy McAlpine

Chapter 7: Love's Unkind, Spiteful In A Million Ways

"Love is blind Love can tell a million stories Love's unkind, spiteful in a million ways

Love is crazy, love is often boring Love stinks, love is pretty often debris When you find what you find. Then Never, never, never, never, never Do it over again."

-Love Is Blind, Falsettos

Chapter 8: To See Through Glass

“If I could go back and the past, Be a little braver than I had, And bet against the odds, Would I still be lost? Even if I woke up in my dreams, Would there still be something I'm missing? If I had everything Would it mean anything to me?" -Wondering, Julia Lester, Olivia Rodrigo

Chapter 9: The Games I Play

"It's tough with love Love's tough to show Let me face the music It's a song that I was waiting to hear so long So long ago

I bet on the horses I die by degree I am sure his divorce is A tribute to me Ask me if I love him It depends on the day These are the games I play."

-The Games I Play, Falsettos

Chapter 10: If You Have To Hurt Me, Hurt Me Once

"If you have to hurt me, hurt me once If you have to end it, get it done You have all these choices, I have none You're all that I have to lose Couldn't hurt you if I wanted to I've decided on you, I've decided on you."

-Hurt Me Once, Ben Platt

Chapter 11: The World Was Wide Enough

"Now I'm the villain in your history I was too young and blind to see I should've known, I should've known The world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me."

-The World Was Wide Enough, Hamilton

Chapter 12: Sometimes Life Just Slips In Through a Backdoor

"And it's not what I asked for Sometimes life just slips in through a back door And carves out a person And makes you believe it's all true And now I got you."

-She Used To Be Mine, Sara Bareilles

Chapter 13: The Eye of the Hurricane

"I'll write my way out Overwhelm them with honesty This is the eye of the hurricane This is the only way I can protect my legacy Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait The Reynolds Pamphlet."

-Hurricane, Hamilton

Chapter 14: There's Nothing Kind About A Hundred Small Betrayals

"Don't humor me with kindness There's nothing kind about a hundred small betrayals If you love me at all, you'll kill it now If you have to hurt me, hurt me once If you have to end it, get it done."

-Hurt Me Once, Ben Platt

Chapter 15: Baby, Let the Games Begin

"Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him Wondered how many girls he had loved and left haunted But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom Holdin' him for ransom."

-...Ready For It?, Taylor Swift

Chapter 16: I Wanna Watch the World Burn

"My name is Regina George And in case you're keeping score Cady may have won the battle But I will win the war, for I wanna watch the world burn."

-World Burn, Mean Girls

Chapter 17: Turn It Off

"I wanna know what it'd be like To find perfection in my pride To see nothing in the light And turn it off in all my spite In all my spite, I'll turn it off."

-Turn It Off, Paramore

Chapter 18: I Believe

"'Cause you show something I can't live without I believe, I believe, I believe When you hold me, it's like Heaven coming down I believe, I believe, I believe" -I Believe, Jonas Brothers

Chapter 19: Love You Forever

“I wanna finish what we started in the stairwell where we met.

I wanna live like I have never even heard the word regret.

I wanna scream what’s in my heart and I won’t ever take it back,

‘Cause I love you feels a lot like high school and forever after that.”

-Love You Forever, High School Musical: The Musical: The Series

Chapter 20: To Love is Not to Leave - The Epilogue

"But I hope now you can see What my mom and dad showed me I'm not going anywhere I love you more and more each day To love is not to leave So, hear me when I say "I may not be wise And I won't save the day But look in my eyes And know I'll always stay And I won't run away."

-Run Away, Ben Platt

Thank you <3

-Harley

[salemwithsolutions]

Im going insane over these songs they r Batfam coded

Amélie Farren's Music is SO batfam coded I need people to understand this like so badly- I listen to 'Suffering' and think about Cass, Tim and Damian (Or Tim, Kon and Bernard), And then 'Heavens gate' with Tim/Dick, Damian and Jason like PLEASE YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND IM BEGGING WARNING I HAVENT READ LIKE ALOT OF THE COMICS I JUST REALLY LIKE BATFAM AND THIS IS PROBABLY OOC AND MY OWN IMTERPRETATION!!

I am obsessed with Heaven's Gate specifically, because it just fits so well in my head, and maybe I'm just crazy but like please- 'I created those around me Though, I don't know which is worse 'Cause playing god is funny 'til you have to choose who's dying first I became the thing I feared, taking their lives in my hand' Bruce, talking about the Robins, how he inevitably created them the same way he created Batman himself, 'Til you have to choose whos dying first' talking about Jason, the loss and how he blames himself for what happened. 'My innocence had consequences that I still don't understand I was told that I was vital in the plan to save my life So I promised mine in hopes I'd be the one holding the knife Our bodies were the vehicle, transporters of the soul I was young and bold and stupid in a six-foot self-dug hole' This Verse is Dick, the innocence in creating Roin as a way to hone his anger, that inevitably would have consequences as the 'Mantle' was passed down between siblings, despite never being a Mantle in the first place. 'I was young and bold and stupid in a six-foot self-dug hole' Makes me think about the tension between him and bruce, which has never really gone away since he was a teen, and how it inevitably led to many horrible things happening, because of the lack of contact between the two. 'Was I thе only one to question anything they said? I takе it back, I'll follow 'til I fly or 'til I'm dead My immortal evolutionary traits are still intact I am unapologetic for the sympathy I lacked I left my body back in California 'cause I'm weak Overdosed on phenobarbital, It's part of my mystique' This Verse, despite being a continuation of Dicks verse, is a Tim verse to me. 'I am unapologetic for the sympathy I lacked' When Tim came into the batfam, they were still grieving Jasons death, and while he may have felt guilty or ad, there was little space for him to feel apologetic for pushing himself into the family the way he did, because if he didn't, Bruce would have continued to go on how he was, and may have gone too far/died if he wasn't careful. 'I left my body back in California 'cause I'm weak Overdosed on phenobarbital, It's part of my mystique' During his Red Robin run, Tim left the old him back in Gotham, while he went out and committed crimes to find Bruce. Once he was back, he would have been a different person completely, having gone through so much on his time out there he wouldn't have come back the same person. 'So, in '97, I gave up my future I'd been raised to reject my human nature In the hopes that I'd be praised I thought SOS meant "save our souls" Instead, it meant jack shit 'Cause nobody came to help me when I told myself I'd quit I trusted blindly, was it wrong for me to latch on tight? 'Cause I didn't realize nettles stung and apples weren't all white Ignorance is bliss or maybe ignorance is bait 'Cause I didn't deserve heaven, but I'm standing at its gate' This is SO a Damian verse, and ill never get over it 1/3

[michaelzrantz]

Maybe small spoilers for Nerdy Prudes Must Die

I think the song ‘nerdy prudes must die’ has so many layers so I’m going to discuss it.

I think Max took his death much more personally than he let on. Even during the song he says “I could give to sh*ts that you buried and left me, defiled my body… you pushed me off the edge.” Listen I’m no English and psych major but the intense detail he puts into describing what happened to him shows that it stuck with him. He also lets on right before his death that he’s not just some jock monster, saying things like “this is the nicest thing any one’s ever done for me”. Then almost immediately after this supposed act of kindness he practically gets killed. And yes while it may have been an accident, they still covered it up, they chopped him up and hid him away like they were guilty, like they had something to hide.

Okay now let’s talk about THAT part of the song (you know the one). He tells Richie to repeat after him. He has him fully under his control. He’s listening, he has to. The first “will you pray for me” is taunting Richie. Taunting him of his inevitable death. But the second feels much more emotional, especially given Richie isn’t repeating him and he seems to have no problem with that. He sings “who will pray for me, when I’m gone” but like I previously stated he’s talking about himself this time. It must have hurt to die and then have nobody care. Nobody missed him. He may have been a ‘monster’ at high school but in reality, he was just a kid who had never really been shown actual kindness (i.e. “this is the nicest thing anyone ever done for me”). Then the “or is this the eternal dark without a dawn” (exceptional delivery btw, my god). Like, is this all he’ll be? Will he forever be fermented as the asshole jock who died at the old Waylon place? After he kills these nerdy prudes will he be satisfied? You get what I mean right? I feel after that he remembers the cause of his death, and he fills back up with rage, turning back to Richie and asking him one more time, now notably saying “who will pray for you”. But then gesturing back to himself as he says “when your body’s gone”, reminding Richie what he did to him. And I’ve heard some people say the “this is the consequence for what you’ve done” line is about Richie gaining popularity, not about ‘killing’ max, but I think that by this point max is enraged with Richie, with what he’s done to him, so he genuinely means, ‘this is the consequence you get for what you’ve done to me’. Which makes it even worse when Richie tries to come back saying “I am not a loser” (BEST line) because who does this kid think he is? This kid killed him, and now he’s trying to tell him how it is?

Anyway thank you for coming to my Ted talk 😋

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Park Jimin's Perspective Reading

Disclaimer: Just putting this first, just a Tarot reader. I do not know him personally, just saying this, because this was a bit intense and dark. Now that we have that out the way. On to the reading.

Okay, since it is still Libra season. I thought I do another Libra idol on my radar. That will be BTS Park Jimin. The song that came to mind was Exceptional by Jojo with the lyric, 'Your exceptional they way you are don't need to change for nobody, anyone can see that, when will you believe that.' I just felt that fit him, because sometimes he can be insecure about himself and unsure. He may not always see the true beauty in himself. I can see that with a lot of people though. Adored by so many but misunderstood. Not sure why they came up, but maybe once I dive into the cards that will. Looking at his chart he has lots of air and water placements in his strongest placements, so it may be hard for him to stay grounded in reality. Let's dive into the cards. I am being pulled towards the shadow decks first, so here we go. I hope this isn't as intense as I think it will be.

It seems like there were a lot of sacrifices he had to make to make his dreams come true. There is a sense from these cards that he isn't really grounded in reality, which as I mentioned his chart makes that clear. But he kind of gets lost in his own reality. It seems he may have had to sacrifice himself. I am getting he falls for lies, not sure where that is coming from. There is a pattern here with him. He may use escapism to remove himself from his reality at times. He may enjoy when he goes to sleep, because then is when he may feel free. I am kind of getting he is chained and restricted. Man, I knew this would be dark and intense. There is shame he does have, maybe for things he has done, could be for fame, or just past mistakes, or the addictive patterns he may have. He just understands there are sacrifices to be made in the game. There are also defenses he has, like he is protected of what he has or has earned. I see him trying to do things to forget himself, or he loses himself to the game or to others, like he gets lost in the shuffle, or it is hard for him to be himself. So far, all Libra idols have giving me this energy, so not surprised with this one. When I see the card Forgetting himself in this deck, it is like he does not put himself first or even second, like what he wants is not important really.

There is like a sense of him being split, like these two cards which are the only two cards in the deck, are split. He may dissociate to relieve his anxiety. Not sure what he uses to dissociate. I am literally reading the cards here, I see it as to relieve anxiety, he needs to reverse dissociation. Like it may make things worse for him to do so. This is hard to understand this. I keep seeing the number 10 in the cards, well 2 and 8, which gives me there is an end of cycle he has the key to that can close this cycle, but like one part of him has the key, the other the lock to open it, this is weird, but that is what I see in the cards. I knew this would be complex. There is a sense he could be fragmented as well, surprised that card did not pop up in the Dark Mirror reading. His energy is weird to, because although these cards are intense for me, his energy is numb, like I feel nothing. Interesting, but weird. I will move on from this, because it is weird. Next deck.

Okay, another card talking about shame, not sure where the shame is here with him, but it is there. It could do with addictive patterns he may have allegedly. Maybe he feels shame more easily than others. Or he feels guilty about things he has done in general. It is like he picks at himself for every little thing he does. There is a sense he is a bit stagnant and does not work towards his future and can get stuck in the past a lot. He is giving me Pisces energy here of this inability to let go, forgive his mistakes and move forward to become a better version of himself. That mistakes don't just break him but can also make him. It is not all end all. There is some strong guidance for him to meditate, take a deep breaths and work towards healing himself. It will need for him to be more mindful and ground himself a bit more and learn to be one with himself and feel comfortable with himself. I feel that could be a struggle for him, but necessary for him to heal.

For him to find complete happiness and his happily ever after. He needs to find self-love and compassion for himself. I am not sure if he wants a family some day or to find that happy unit. There is a gateway or maybe someone in his life he can find love with, but I am not sure he allows it, but it may all stem from his lack of love for himself. He should come from a place of love. Yeah, getting some strong indications here that he needs to bring more love into his heart and life for himself first and that can bleed into others. He is going to need to work on grounding himself and taking care of his fundamental needs first. He may need to start putting his needs first.

It is like he reflects back what you project onto him. There could be a distorted view of himself. There is a sweet, tenderness to Jimin, a softness, kind of princess like vibe. There is a youthfulness and vivaciousness to him. There is an eloquence to his nature and feminine nature to him. I am also getting he can be pretty vulnerable, that could be to manipulation. I think I got in the beginning that he can deluded into a fantasy that doesn't exist. I don't know where I am going there, but that is what I am getting. There is a void he does have, an emptiness that he isn't sure how to fill. I just feel like he doesn't know himself. He may need others to fill him, but not sure what to do or who he is on his own. He likes his community of people and depends on others a lot and prefers to do so. There is a fear of him being out on his own. It is the unknown is very scary to him. He may not know how to stand on his own, because he may lack self-awareness and love. It is like who is he without the influence of others.

So, looking at these cards, had no clue why I was pulled to this deck, but now I see why. As I mentioned he is kind of split. One card is the Sun and the other card is the moon, sunrise and sunset. He has a light and dark side, two sides to himself. The one card has the keyword shapeshifter. It is like he is different around different people. I mean we kind of all are to be honest, like why is this mentioned, is his extreme in some case? I am getting he projects what people think he is, so if someone sees him a certain way. He will be that certain way. Like why express these two sides and split sides? There are things he is aware of, but some he is not. I am just getting he may not know who he is, which makes sense. I feel a lot of these idols don't know who they are, but in his case, it may be a big deal. I am also getting he is impressionable and easy to mold. These cards are giving me he is forever changing, which can be good, but there is a sense of maybe a lack of identity with him, a solid foundation, a core. I just get there is no solid sense of self for him. When I see these two cards with the keywords flowing river and shapeshifter, I get easy to penetrate and manipulate. I kind of don't like this for him. I hope this boy isn't getting manipulated, but this sure kind of how feels like it.

Closing out with some my Tarot cards. Interesting to see pentacles pop up for his ready. I am not sure why he got the 9 of Pentacles. These gives me someone just chilling and indulging, enjoying their money that they earned, but he is in the Military, so this is weird. I am not sure this describes his personality. He doesn't come off as an independent, money loving person, who prefers his solitude. He may be coming into this energy lately possibly, maybe the Military has taught him to be this way, okay now with the 7 of Swords, with the keywords hiding myself, manipulation, and not able to be oneself, maybe this is in image he projects to make himself appear confident. Because 9 of Pentacles is all about appearance and appearing a certain way. He is someone who does thrive on working with others. It is where he performs best. This could also indicate his energy right now in the Military where collaborative effort is important or he feels it is important for them to work as a team.

Okay, those last card were quite different from the whole spread. This was a quite intense in the beginning. Glad it ended in a less intense way. I do still find it weird that the cards are intense, but I felt nothing energetically. I don't mind it, since I hate getting the sensations, like with Soobin's, but worries me a bit, it is like there may be some sort of disconnection there. Not sure how I can explain that further.

[uhuhmaries]

CHAPTER 5 | SURRENDER

Series: Surrender (18+)

⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹

— Ludo’s POV

I don’t plan on going.

But two nights pass, and I’m standing outside the warehouse again anyway. Same heavy doors. Same cigarette haze leaking from every gap in the walls. My fingers twitch with want—something to smoke, something to drink, something to take the edge off.

But I’m clean.

Mostly.

Just mascara, lip gloss, vintage heels, and the heaviest liner I own to sharpen the version of me that doesn’t care.

I’m not here for Harry.

I tell myself that three more times before stepping inside.

The place is packed. Sweaty bodies pressed together like secrets. Bass already rumbling through the floor. My skin buzzes. My pulse kicks.

And then I see him.

On stage.

Spotlight low across his chest. Fingers working his guitar like it owes him something. Head tilted down. Hair damp at the edges. His voice curls around the room like silk set on fire.

He doesn’t look at me.

Not at first.

But then—he does.

Mid-song.

One slow drag of his eyes across the crowd until they find mine.

And when he sees me?

He fucking smiles.

It’s crooked. Dangerous. Quietly proud.

And I feel it like a slap to the ribs.

After the set, I slide backstage with the casual charm of someone who looks like they belong. No one stops me. One guard lets his eyes trail down my legs but doesn’t ask for a pass.

“Harry around?” I mutter.

He nods toward a hallway.

“You’ve got five minutes before they close the green room.”

I nod, heart pounding. Walk faster than I should.

I don’t know what I’m looking for.

Not Harry.

Not really.

But curiosity’s a bitch that smells like blood.

And I always bite.

The hallway bends left. There’s a locked door slightly ajar.

The kind of door that’s supposed to be locked on purpose.

I glance around. No one watching.

So I push it open.

It’s a supply room—or looks like one.

But inside?

There’s a table. A few crates. Neatly stacked.

Cash.

Wrapped in black bands. Labeled with numbers that don’t make sense.

And phones.

Three. Maybe four. Lined up like they’re being rotated.

A printer. A stack of IDs. Laminated. In different names.

Hold the fuck up. This isn’t merch.

My stomach drops. This is something else.

This is what he didn’t want me to see.

The click of a boot behind me sends panic screaming through my spine.

I spin.

Harry.

He’s at the doorway, chest rising and falling like he ran. One hand gripping the frame.

Eyes locked on mine.

Frozen.

“Ludo…” he says, voice low, warning.

I back up.

Hands in the air, like I walked in on a murder and I’m already guilty just for looking.

“I didn’t—” I start.

He steps in.

I step back.

“I didn’t see anything,” I lie.

His eyes harden. “Don’t fucking do that.”

“I said I didn’t—I’ll keep my mouth shut, alright?” I snap, heart pounding.

“Ludo—”

But I’m already turning.

Running.

He calls my name once—sharp, broken—but I’m gone.

Out the door. Down the hallway. Back into the crowd.

Because I don’t know what this is.

And I’m not sure I want to.

I don’t go back to the hotel.

I don’t even go back to Ueno.

I leave everything in the room—passport, bag, the shirt I stole from Harry’s drawer—and I disappear the way only a girl like me knows how to disappear.

No paper trail.

No receipts.

Just ash and perfume and silence.

I take a cheap room on the other side of the city. One of those hourly love hotels that smell like bleach and heartbreak. I keep the lights off. I don’t charge my phone. I don’t open the curtains.

I just… exist.

And think.

And spiral.

The money on that table wasn’t band payment. The IDs weren’t for stage crew. The phones? No one needs that many phones unless they’re running something bigger than music.

And now I know.

I’m not just tangled up in some moody rockstar’s personal crisis.

I’ve slipped into something criminal.

And worse?

I’m not sure I want to run away from him.

But I do anyway.

Because I don’t trust myself.

Because the last time I ignored a red flag, I ended up needing stitches and therapy I never finished.

I can still feel the way Harry looked at me—after I turned, after I ran.

Like I wasn’t supposed to see that part of him.

Like he wanted me close but hated what it meant.

And now?

There’s no word. No knock. No text.

Just silence.

The kind that sounds like punishment.

⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹

— Harry’s POV

She’s gone.

No text. No call. No smartass reply.

I’ve sent six messages. Called twice. Showed up at her hotel three times.

Room empty. No check-out record. No forwarding info.

Nothing.

Even the night manager looked at me like he couldn’t remember her.

“Girl like that?” he said. “Nah, don’t ring a bell.”

But he’s lying.

They all lie when the money’s right.

I stand outside the hotel for a long time after that. Chain-smoking. Staring at the pavement like it might spell out a clue.

She ran.

I would’ve, too.

The room she saw—the cash, the phones, the IDs—it wasn’t meant for her. I fucked up. Left it cracked open because I was distracted. Because I was thinking about her when I should’ve been thinking about protocol.

Louis is going to lose it. He already suspects.

I told him I handled it.

I didn’t.

Because I can’t.

She’s not just a girl anymore.

She’s a fucking hurricane with a mouth that begs for forgiveness and a heart that doesn’t believe in it. And I’m in it—deep—with no lifeline.

I lean against the wall of the hotel and finally let my head fall back, exhaling through my teeth.

Ludo’s gone.

But I don’t think she’s done with me yet.

And I know for fucking sure—

I’m not done with her.

⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹ ࣪ ˖₊˚⊹⋆ ⊹

📝 Author’s Note:

YALLLLL IM SORRY FOR BEINF KINDA INACTIVE IVE BEEN BUSYYYYY AYEEEEE 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↔️